A STAR TREK:VOYAGER/MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Satire
By Thomas F. Restivo
[TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER]
[Where Available]
{Opening theme music}
{...1...2...3...4...5...6...7}
MIKE
O.K., try "Don't Take the Girl", by Tim
McGraw.
SERVO
Let's see...boy goes fishing, couple gets
mugged, woman gives birth and dies.
MIKE
Correct! Now, Crow, here's a tough one:
"Tell Me I'm Not Dreaming", by Travis Tritt.
CROW
Um-m-m-m...um-m-m...paraplegic reconciles with
mother of his child, but she dies a horrible
death.
MIKE
Well, that's the video version, but I'll give
you that...oh, hi everyone. Welcome to the
SATELLITE OF LOVE. I'm Mike Nelson, and these
are my Bots. We're playing a game of "High
Country Concept". I give out the name of
popular country songs of today, and Crow and
Tom here try to give a short synopsis to the
story behind the words.
SERVO
Is it my imagination, or do the women in these
songs have the life expectancy of a Security
Guard on the original ENTERPRISE?
MIKE
O.K., let's move on..."Independence Day", by
Martina McBride.
CROW
Oh! I know this one! "The Burning Bed"!
MIKE
Right! And "He Thinks He'll Keep Her", by
Mary Chapin Carpenter?
SERVO
Hm-m-m...married at 21, mother of three at 29,
separated at 36...
CROW
...and she dies a horrible death!
MIKE
No, no, no, Crow! She just ends up a
secretary on minimum wage.
CROW
But I thought every country song had someone
dying at the end.
MIKE
Well, this one has the relationship dying.
SERVO
And people like country music? Give me a root
canal any day.
CROW
Makes these experiments from the Mads seem
uplifting.
MIKE
O.K., one more..."One Boy, One Girl" by Collin
Raye.
The Bots look stumped.
MIKE (CONTINUED)
Nothing? O.K., it's "Boy meets girl on blind
date, boy marries girl, girl gives birth to
twins."
CROW
...and she dies a horrible death.
MIKE
No, no, no! They live happily ever after.
SERVO
A country song with a happy ending? Yeah,
right.
A light flashes.
MIKE
Hey, you guys, it's George Jones and Tammy
Wynette.
DR. F
Greetings, High-Tech Rednecks. The phrase,
"Laid back meets STAR TREK" has a particular
meaning this week. From the rural abyss that
is Frederick County, Maryland, comes a
commentary on the latest incarnation of STAR
TREK. Maybe next time, we'll be sending up an
episode for an experiment. For now, you'll
have to settle for this. Send it up, Frank.
(a beat)
Frank?
(another beat)
Where is that no-good ripe second banana?
(sighs)
O.K., I guess I have to do it myself!
He pushes a button.
CROW
...so, do you look her up in the record
section under "Chapin" or "Carpenter"?
SERVO
And what kind of word is "Ahdohn"? Is that
right before "Eeah" in Jeff Foxworthy's
dictionary?
A button flashes. Panic ensues.
MIKE
AH-H-H! WE'VE GOT ARTICLE SIGN!
{7...6...5...4...3...2...1...}
Mike and the Bots enter the theatre. Mike sits Tom Servo down as
the article appears on the screen.
-> STAR TREK:VOYAGER Review
MIKE
VOYAGER Review? Is that the post-show show to
talk about what happened?
CROW
And preceeded by STAR TREK:VOYAGER Preview.
-> by Cmdr Tom Restivo
SERVO
(sarcastic)
Oh, is the great Commander Tom Restivo going
to give us his opinion?
MIKE
He's originally from Boston.
CROW
Well, he's about as prolific as the band
Boston.
-> With the expectations and reputation that VOYAGER brought to the
-> small screen,
MIKE
All low.
-> it could have been a giantic flop.
CROW
Instead, it was a tremendous flop.
-> You have Classic TREK. You have NEXTGEN. You have DEEP SPACE
-> NINE.
SERVO
(doing his best Michael Dorn impersonation)
Solution: Neutrogena T-Gel. It works.
-> You have the movies, the books, and the cartoons.
MIKE
The Christmas ornaments.
SERVO
The collectors plates.
CROW
The bumper stickers.
MIKE
The cheap uniforms.
SERVO
The umpteen TV Guide covers, now being sold at
cons for five dollars.
CROW
The phaser TV remote controls.
-> Add to that load the launching of a fifth television network.
MIKE
Which cancels all of its shows after one
season.
CROW
Yeah, I thought only CBS could do that.
-> The premise has been done before: Lost in a strange land
CROW
Heinlein did that.
MIKE
No, that was "Stranger in a Strange Land".
-> and trying to get home.
SERVO
(Ilia/E.T. voice)
V'ger...go home!
-> We all can rattle off the V series
CROW
The V series? What do invading reptiles have
to do with it?
MIKE
I think he meant "five". It's Roman numerals.
SERVO
Well, XXX lashes with a wet noodle to him.
-> that come to mind: LOST IN SPACE, GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, LAND OF
-> THE GIANTS, THE TIME TUNNEL,
MIKE, CROW, SERVO
(in unison, singing)
We didn't start the fire...
-> even QUANTUM LEAP. You know that once they get home, the series
-> is over.
CROW
Say, I wonder how Joel is doing these days?
-> How many variations can writers do
SERVO
(singing)
The answer, my friends, is blowing in the
wind...
-> without the viewers switching over to MELROSE PLACE?
CROW
Put Heather Locklear on the show?
-> One more thing:
MIKE
Only one more?
-> the casting of Captain Janeway
CROW
...into the sea.
-> as the first lead female captain.
SERVO
Sorry, but these days, starships can only
handle unleaded female captains.
-> Raucous at times, it was the Trimble letter writing campaign
-> updated for the 1990s with fax and internet mail to Paramount.
CROW
So you can be annoyingly opinionated
instantly.
-> Even after Genevieve Bujold left in a huff (or a minute and a
-> huff {g})
MIKE
(Groucho Marx impersonation)
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever
heard.
-> and Kate Mulgrew came on board, there were questions whether
-> Janeway would be able to take her place with Kirk, Picard, and
-> Sisko as competent, inspiring commanding officers.
MIKE (CONTINUED)
Fortunately, she fell to their level of
incompetence and ennui.
-> This could be a flop.
CROW
Could be?
-> It's not. It's great!
SERVO
No, it's...it's not great!
-> The cast has jelled together faster than any of the other
-> manifestations of TREK.
CROW
Ah, a microwave Jello crew!
-> These are people who enjoy what they are doing and are getting
-> paid for it.
MIKE
Minimum wage.
SERVO
No 401k program.
CROW
No disability.
MIKE
But they enjoy it!
-> From listening to many interviews, there are many fans of TREK
-> in the cast.
CROW
All the males still live in their parents'
basements.
-> That enthusiasm shows in their performances.
MIKE
(giddily)
I'm going to be a cultural icon! La-la-la...
-> You can put any two characters together in a scene and the
-> chemistry unfolds.
CROW
Unfolding chemistry? Is this science or patio
furniture?
-> Tuvok and Neelix. Neelix and the Doctor. Janeway and Tuvok.
SERVO
Hey! You got your Janeway in my Tuvok!
CROW
Well, you got your Tuvok in my Janeway!
-> Janeway and Chakotay. Chakotay and B'elanna.
MIKE
All right, already! We get the idea!
-> Include in this mix some very good and intriguing scripts
CROW
Shamelessly ripped off from the other TREK
series.
-> and you have a few "quote gems" already.
SERVO
Funny, I don't remember Paris saying, "Bite
me!"
-> The scripts have allowed the crewmembers to evolve into their
-> personalities
MIKE
Rather than evolve into higher forms of life.
SERVO
Jerry Falwell says that God created all
crewmembers at the beginning of time.
-> over time rather than in one episode. However, the Doctor's
-> evolution is starting to drag...
CROW
Yeah, those gold lame' strapless gowns just
don't cut it.
-> the non-mystery mystery of his name is a drag.
SERVO
(singing)
It's kind of a drag.
-> Kate Mulgrew shines.
CROW
Thanks to Lemon Fresh Pledge.
-> Her character of Kathryn Janeway has been allowed to become
-> multifaceted from the start.
MIKE
You mean she's Sybil?
-> She is not only a commanding officer, but a scientist, a lover,
-> and a woman.
SERVO
She's a commanding officer!
CROW
She's a scientist!
SERVO
She's a lover!
CROW
She's a woman!
SERVO
She's a floor wax!
CROW
She's a dessert topping!
MIKE
Guys, guys, she's all that, and more!
-> She is a Starfleet Den Mother to her crew,
SERVO
Does that make the Maquis Webelos?
-> and that's not a bad aspect.
MIKE
(Martha Stewart impersonation)
And that's a good thing.
-> She can also outdo Jean-Luc Picard (and, by extention, Patrick
-> Stewart)
SERVO
In the art of hair-growing.
-> in the "I'm really p*ssed at you!" department.
CROW
Ah, Mike, what's p*ssed?
MIKE
Pat and Vanna, I'd like to buy a vowel.
-> I can run down each and every actor and character
SERVO
Of course. He's a Boston driver.
-> and complement them,
CROW
Thump! You look marvelous!
-> but the real breakout performance is not Ethan Phillips' Neelix
-> or Robert Picardo's Doctor (though he is close).
SERVO
It's Dustin Hoffman.
CROW
No, it's Donald Sutherland.
MIKE
Guys, that was OUTBREAK.
-> Jennifer Lien scares me.
SERVO
Young, former soap opera actresses scare him?
CROW
He must be petrified of Robyn Griggs.
MIKE
Any woman associated with John Bobbitt would
scare me!
-> She is not twenty yet and she can hold her own
SERVO
Luggage?
CROW
Weight in Twinkies?
MIKE
Daytime talk show?
-> with actors twice her age. Her Kes is not a giddy teenager
MIKE
Or she would be on SAVED BY THE BELL.
-> nor even a youth. She has remarkable maturity
CROW
Compared with the rest of the cast.
-> of which we've only seen a glimpse.
SERVO
VCRs and freeze frames can fix that.
-> It will be fun to see her grow more
The Bots giggle.
MIKE
Stop that!
-> into the character (and interesting to see how the producers
-> handle her species,
The Bots chuckle louder.
MIKE (CONTINUED)
Guys! I warn you!
-> which is suppose to have a ten-year lifespan).
CROW, SERVO
(in unison, sobering up quickly)
Ten years? Aaugh!
-> A particular note,
CROW
C Sharp.
-> lost in the hype about the first regular female commanding
-> officer, is the appearance of the first regular female engineer,
SERVO
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...
CROW
Toot toot!
-> B'elanna Torres. It will be interesting to see how she compares
-> with Scott, LaForge, and O'Brien.
MIKE
Well, she's short, she's got a ridge on her
head, and she's female.
SERVO
That's about it.
-> She's not there yet, but I'm willing to watch.
CROW, SERVO
(in unison, little kid voices)
Is she there yet?
MIKE
No.
CROW, SERVO
(in unison, little kid voices)
Is she there yet?
MIKE
No!
CROW, SERVO
(in unison, little kid voices)
Is she there yet?
MIKE
NO!
SERVO
(a beat; then, in an elderly woman voice)
Is she ready yet?
CROW
(another elderly woman voice)
What is she doing in there?
-> That's the point...
CROW
On top of his head.
-> there may be shortcomings here and there,
MIKE
Tell us, Little Guy!
-> but I'm giving the show _time_ to come on its own.
SERVO
(singing)
Time will come today...
-> I see the potential.
MIKE
For disaster.
-> I've discarded the question of whether it's in the same vision
-> of Roddenberry.
SERVO
Unless Roddenberry appeared at Fatima.
-> It's not--it's created by Mike Piller, Rick Berman, and Jeri
-> Taylor. It's their baby.
CROW
And we have the DNA tests to prove it.
-> How it succeeds is up to them (I'm firmly convinced that I'll be
-> arguing with my grandkids at Shore Leave 67 that the latest
-> version of TREK is in the vision of Berman and Piller).
MIKE
(angry old man voice)
When I was your age...
(snorts)
we only had two TREK series on, and neither of
the captains were transexual
transvestites...and we liked it!
SERVO
(elderly woman voice)
Is it ready yet?
-> So far, so good.
MIKE
So close, so bad.
SERVO
Time to go guys.
Mike picks up Tom Servo, and he and the Bots leave.
{...1...2...3...4...5...6...7}
MIKE
You know, STAR TREK without the ENTERPRISE is
like...WELCOME BACK, KOTTER without Barbarino.
CROW
SEINFELD without Seinfeld.
SERVO
MAD ABOUT YOU without Murray.
MIKE
An Oreo without the creamy filling.
CROW
The Cubs without Wrigley Field.
SERVO
The Statue of Liberty without her guiding
light.
MIKE
O.J. Simpson without his defense team.
CROW
Burt Reynolds without his toupee.
SERVO
Brooke Shields without her eyebrows.
GYPSY
BABYLON 5 without Sinclair.
There is a long pause.
SERVO
Well, by the time STAR TREK:VOYAGER gets as
good as this third-rate Bennet Pomerantz of a
reviewer thinks it is, his novel from the
story in POWER STAR 80 will be out in Barnes &
Noble.
CROW
If the newest Davery J. Craggs novel isn't in
paperback already.
MIKE
What do you think, Sirs?
DR. F
(reading note)
Hm-m-m-m..."Dear Dr. Forrester...leaving you
to expand my horizons...Mistress of the Night
made offer I couldn't
refuse"...mm-m-m-m-m..."Network executives
recommend developing experiments for NATIONAL
AUDIENCE? Have kids from SAVED BY THE BELL as
subjects?" My God, that idiot! Doesn't he
realize that these experiments aren't supposed
to be put in the hands of programming
executives? Next thing we know, it will be
on 5,000 screens across America in
multi-miniplex theatres! I've got to DO
something!
(a beat; then, into camera)
Until next time, Billy Ray...
{click}
{credits}
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000
Created by
Joel Hodgson
Jim Mallon
Produced by
Jim Mallon
Written by
Tom Restivo (Head Writer)
Starring:
Mike D. Nelson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mike Nelson
Crow T. Robot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Trace Beaulieu
Tom Servo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kevin Murphy (not Rob)
Gypsy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jim Mallon
Cambot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Himself
With:
Dr. Clayton Forrester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Trace Beaulieu
Special Thanks go to:
The Teachers Across America
Authors of the 1st Amendment
All MSTies and Fandom from Coast to Coast
Creators of ARPANET
Gene Roddenberry
Kimberly Murphy-Smith
keep ftp-ing the zine
-> Jennifer Lien scares me.
VOICEOVER
This has been a presentation of POWER STAR
Magazine!