(*) TURN DOWN YOUR MONITOR (*) I [where applicable] I * * * Voiceover: Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000, Post 49601, Segment 1. * * * In the not too distant present In Belleville, Illinois Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan Were getting quite annoyed A Starfleet Ranger by the name of Mike His points of view they did not like The Administration needed to save good face So, by order of the AB, he was shot up into space We'll send him Cheesy Postings The worst we can write (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all Then we'll sap him of his fight (la la la) Now, keeping in mind Mike can't control When the ranting begin or end (la la la) He'll keep his focus to stay in Fleet With the help of his robot friends Robot Roll Call! Cambot! (Working...) Gypsy! (Lisa!) Tom Servo! (Or is it Paris?) Croooooooooow! (A warrior's name!) If you're wondering how they like Star Trek and other fannish facts (la la la) Just remember that this is just a club Read your ComQ and relax For Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000! <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Magic Voice: He's coming! Ready, everyone! Mike (entering): Hi, folks. I'm Mike D. Smith, and welcome to the Deep Space Station of Lo-- um, what's going on? Magic Voice: These are the Rangers. They have been watching for some time, as an Army of Light in the coming war. Servo (clears throat): Our presence has been kept a secret against those who are allied with the Great Darkness. Crow: Um, we are gathering strength until the day in which we will confront the Shadows in one all-out ratings-grabbing CGI-busting Mojo-raving climatic battle. Servo: Crow! Crow: I thought it needed a little punching up, that's all... Gypsy: In this sector, they have been under my direct command. I now share command and full authority to you, Ranger Smith. Mike: Well, I--I don't know what to say. Crow: Your troops await your orders. What will you tell them? Servo: C'mon, big guy. Speech! Speech! Mike: Why, I don't kn-- no, wait. Tell them -- that from this place we will deliver notice to the parliaments of conquerors that a line has been drawn against the darkness. And we will hold that line, ... no matter the cost. Mike: We shall take back what is ours. Defeat the tyrant. Restore the rights. Protect the forest. Establish eco-friendly policy... Servo: Uh... Mike... Crow: We're losing him... Mike (veddy British pose and voice): We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Missouri, we shall fight in the dealer's rooms and conferences, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength, we shall defend our club, whatever the cost may be,... Servo: There he goes again... Crow: Nice going, Gypsy. Oh, sure. "Let's give Mike a share in command." Servo: Didn't we tell you this was a bad idea! Gypsy: My idea! It was Crow's suggestion! Crow: Only because Magic Voice didn't have enough guts to go for the position! Magic Voice: Hey! I'm disembodied. I _have_ no guts! Mike: ... we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills;... Servo: I wonder if it's too late to get Michael O' Hare. Gypsy: I wonder if it's too late to get Richard Basehart. Crow: I wonder if it's too late to join the Klingon Assault Group. Magic Voice (sighs): Commercial sign in five, four,... commercial sign now. Mike: ...we shall nevah -- surrendah. (Makes "V" handsign.) Voiceover: You're watching Comedy Central. Coming up next, watch a Dr Katz Marathon featuring Dom's best Catholic School jokes. And all next week at midnight, watch encore showings of "Irreconciable Differences." Servo: Sometimes, I get so close and .. it seems I am shut off the important things. Crow: The useless feeling. Ranger Smith is definitely going through some changes. He even looks different. Servo: Indeed. And now with the new Mads starting a stampede over everyone and everything .. Crow: ... people coming and going, and secret meetings .. Servo: ... you never know what it's all about, until later, when it's too late. Crow: And they never listen to us. Servo: Makes me ... uncomfortable. Crow: That's why I recommend... "r.o.b.o.t", for that comfortable, fresh feeling. Servo: Sa-ay, this looks interresting, but will it protect me against embarassing leakage? Crow: Sure will. Because it was designed with us robots in mind. Unlike other devices, which were invented by... humans. Servo: Grrr! Cursed humans! Crow: But r.o.b.o.t. was invented by a robot, so you can be guaranteed dependable protection... Mike: Say, guys, what's up. Servo: Ex-cuuuse me, Smith, but we're having a private conversaion for robots only! Crow: Yeah! Would you like it if _we_ barged in unannounced?? Mike: Well, actually, you do... Mike: Sorry, fellows, but Hootie and the Blowfish are calling. Servo (whispering): Same time tomorrow? Crow (whispering) : Sure. Mads (singing): And just let 'em cry Let their fears turn them insane Let 'em whine Let the membership complain Let 'em go Let 'em walk right out on me And if the Fleet should fold tomorrow Let it be Let it... Dr Dave (speaking): Ah, there you are, Shania. The Fleet Admiral and I are just practicing for the All-AB Singing Competition at TrekStock. SF's Dan: Three days of love, peace, and Wynonna. Dr Dave: And we get to pick the judges, too. Mike: TrekStock? Where did you get that idea? SF's Dan: It came to me in a dream. I dreamt I was in the middle of an empty Dealer's Room, and this Native American in a loin cloth came out from behind a Troi cutout. And in a voice that sounded like Gene Roddenberry... Dr Dave: I thought you said it was the voice of Angelique Pettyjohn. SF's Dan: Well, it was closer to Roger C. Carmel. Anyway, the voice told me, "If you build it, they will come." And after I told Coyote to put a uniform on, I figured that the voice meant to put on the greatest Trek filk ever. Crow: If you need acts, I know someone who does a great air guitar to "Stand By Me"... Dr Dave: We have an invention exchange ready for you. If you check your end of the Umbilicus, we have an addition for the membership packets. Mike: They aren't even Starfleet Blue. Servo: I don't know. They would make a nice set of nipple rings. Crow: Which one of you two have been taping QVC again? Dr Dave: As of the last AB vote, those are now pre-requisite equipment to maintain membership. You can, of course, take them off at any time. But if you do, you void your membership and forfeit any official, legal, moral, or ethical grounds to question our authority. SF's Dan: You would be deemed unworthy of Starfleet. Dr Dave: And declared inedible by reason of insanity. SF's Dan: Thank you, Bishop 24. Now, comes the inquisition. Who are you? Mike: Who am I? You guys should know by now... Dr Dave: Answer the question. Who are you? Mike: I'm Fleet Captain Michael D. Smith, and these are my Bots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot... Dr Dave: Unacceptable answer! Now, what is it you want? Crow: I want world peace, an end to hunger, and Kim Catrell. Servo: Or, in lieu thereof, your resignations laser-printed in blood. Mike: Actually, Sirs, I'd be just satisfied with timely Communiques... Dr Dave: Unacceptable answers! How much is two plus two? Mike: Um.... four? Crow: Uh... two mints in one? Servo: Er... my name is Brac? Dr Dave: Unacceptable answers! SF's Dan: Actually, there _are_ no acceptable answers, so we could do this again, and again.... (giggles) Dr Dave: What are the names of your Maquis conspirators? SF's Dan: Where is the location of the Rebel Base? Dr Dave: How many lights are there? SF's Dan: Who has the Tox Uthat? r Dave: Did you hide the microfilm in the pumpkin patch? SF's Dan: Where is the secret diary of Laura Palmer? Dr Dave: Are you or have you ever been a member of UFPI? SF's Dan: Who ate all the Frusen Gladge? SF's Dan: Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Dr Dave: Do you know what time it is? SF's Dan: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? Dr Dave: What about love? SF's Dan: What about the Wilson sisters? Dr Dave: What about life? SF's Dan: What about Parcheesi? Dr Dave: What about eternity? SF's Dan: What about Calvin Klein? Dr Dave: What about Bob? SF's Dan: What about ... Naomi? Crow: Welcome... to Ghost Story... Mike: Master Davis, we have a problem. Miss Beasley is missing and the twins will be home from school at any moment... Servo: And so, Pooh and Piglet travelled to Eeyore's home for some honey... Dr Dave: You said you got this from a gentleman named Sebatian? SF's Dan: Like you told me. You said I would know who he was. Dr Dave: Wearing a bowler? Rather portly? SF's Dan: Come to think of it... and he had an British accent. Dr Dave: Putz! That was Sebatian CABOT! And so, our beloved Fleet Admiral is unable to continue the inquisi--, er, invention exchange. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and read the latest missive by Yours Truly on why Region 15 should Just Say No to Ho. Push the button, Dan. SF's Dan : Is that you, Mr French? All: GOOD HEAVENS! WE HAVE POSTING SIGN! AHHHHHHH!!!! <7....6....5....4....3....2....1> -> Re: R15 RC Named Mike: They named a whitewall tire? -> From: reed@direct.ca (Paul M. Reid) Servo: (singing) Welcome to the Direct California... -> Reply to: Paul M. Reid Crow: For a good time. -> Date: Sat, 23 Dec 1995 11:30:57 GMT -> Organization: Internet Direct Mike: When you absolutely, positively, have to post it overnight! -> Newsgroups: alt.org.starfleet -> Reply to: newsgroup(s) Servo: Or send a self-addressed stamped envenlope to Usenet. -> References: Crow: Upon request. -> as promised Mike: I have made a resolution to emulate e. e. cummings. -> here is HQ's response to this situation. Mike & Bots (putting hands to face): AUUUUUGH! -> Just remember Servo (singing): ...this, a kiss is still a kiss... -> I'm just the messenger! Crow: But I play a doctor on TV. -> Capt. Paul M. Reid -> CO, USS Majestic NCC-61804 Mike: Sounds like Pacific Cruiseline's flagship for the 24th Century. -> Director - International Affairs Servo: "International Affairs" ...didn't that just come out with Michelle Pfeiffer and Kenneth Branagan? Crow: Yeah, but it'll lose the Oscar to "Mr Holland's Opus". ---------------------------------- -> Return-Path: DTAMnet@aol.com Mike: What does DTAM mean? Servo: Don't Talk About Me. Crow: Danny Terrio's Athletic Mentor. Servo: Donald Trump As Manos... Crow: ... The Deals of Fate Mike: But would that mean Marla is Torgo? -> From: DTAMnet@aol.com -> Date: Fri, 22 Dec 1995 21:01:59 -0500 -> To: reed@direct.ca -> Subject: Re: Region 15 RC Crow: A reading from the letter to Paul from the Philistines. -> Paul, Mike: John. Servo: George. Crow: Shemp. -> Although polling resulted Servo: In a glut of the unhorned steer market. Mike: He should have listened to Hillary. -> in Howard Cronson receiving the most ballots from chapter CO's, Mike: Unfortunately, they didn't phrase their responses in the form of a question. -> he chose not to participate with the current administration ... Crow: In any reindeer games. Mike: In turning stone to bread. Servo: In plotting the overthrow of the Quebec government. -> or even accept calls from them. Mike: Collect. Servo: Crank. Crow: Bird. -> This intolerable situation was corrected Mike: With sensible shoes. -> by the appointment of an individual by the Fleet Admiral -- Servo: Regis Philbin. Mike: Pamela Anderson. Crow: Snapple Lady. Servo: Andy Richter. Mike: Grandma Putterman. Crow: Waylon Smithers. -> as expressly instructed in the current Constitution -> governing our organization. Crow: You mean Dan actually has read the Constitution? Mike: Only the parts with the pretty pictures. -> As much pissing in the wind Servo: First he talked about "steaming horse crap", now it's "pissing"... WHAT"S WITH THIS GUY'S OBSESSION WITH EXCREMENT?!? Mike: According to Freud, it's an anal fixation. Crow: (Wakko Warner voice): Potty, potty, potty! -> that FCAPT Cronson can scream and claim, Mike: If he tried calling after 10 PM, that wasn't Howard screaming. Servo: Hell hath no fury like a third-shift nurse awaken. Crow: And Alison is trained to give a _proper_ Valsalva effect. -> it does not change the fact that the Fleet Admiral is Crow: The reincarnation of Estes Kefauver. Mike: Part of a complete balanced breakfast. Servo: Tanned, rested, and ready. Crow: Due for a lube job at Pep Boys. Servo: Credited as the stunt double for Geena Davis in "Cutthroat Island". Mike: Made up of tiny scrubbing bubbles. -> empowered to appoint all RC's by the Starfleet Constitution. Crow: By the NCAA Bowl Alliance. Mike: By William Shatner and Ron Goulart. Servo: By Neutrogema T-Gel: it works! Crow: By the light of the silvery moon. Servo: By the time I get to Phoenix. Mike: And by... by... Miss American Pie. -> I personally find it amusing that Mike: Lisa Kudrow can play two different characters on two different shows. -> FCAPT Cronson is happy to converse with the entire world Crow: While others just do it to Nike in small pockets of Wyoming. -> -- Fleet and Non-Fleet -- Servo: Trekkie and Trekker. Mike: Mundane and Non-Mundane. Crow: Filtered and Non-Filtered. Servo: Polled and Non-Polled. Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen. Crow: And children of all religions. -> but was unable to accept calls from the -> Commander and Vice Commanders of Starfleet. Mike: Without breaking out in uncontrollable giggling. -> Kinda makes you wonder Servo (singing): Ohhh, and it makes me wonder... -> which side of his face he's going to talk out of next ... Crow: Thank you, Harvey Dent. -> Yes, Starfleet is slowly progressing to Mike: Entropy. Servo: Ennui. Crow: Alberquerque. -> a better democratic form of government -- Servo: Would be an Islamic theocracy. -> but with much growing pains Mike: And much "Mr Belvedere". Crow: But not so much "Facts of Life". Servo: And only a smidgen of "Full House". -> as the boat is rocked from side to side. -> The membership can thank FADM McGinnis for Mike: Combining fandom with mal de mar. Servo: I can't believe I threw up in front of the Fleet Admiral. Crow: Face it... you threw up _on_ the Fleet Admiral! -> such a greater democratic form of Starfleet -- Servo: You know, the last time someone used the word "democratic" this often, there were tanks rolling in the streets. Mike: At least he found another D-word to overemphasize. -> if not the actual deed, Crow: In-deed-dle-ly-doo! -> but the inspiration and constant striving forward -> of such a lofty and needed goal. Mike: Sort of like how Art Modell inspired the lofty and needed goal of antitrust legislation in sports ownership. -> As for FCAPT Cronson, Servo: He's actually wed to Fran Booth. Mike: And we have the forged marriage certificate to prove it. Crow: And if that's not enough, he _is_ Fran Booth. -> all you're hearing is Alan Ravitch speaking. Servo: How do we know when the Fleet Admiral is speaking? Crow: When Dr Dave passes gas. -> And it was for just such inappropriate behavior that he was Mike: Sent to bed without dessert. Crow: Caned in the but-tocks. Servo: Forced to recant the divinity of Robin Curtis. Mike: Cast as the new Buck in "Married... with Children". Crow: Coated in chocolate and sprinkled with coconut. Servo: Sanitized for your protection. -> removed by a three-fourths majority of his peers Mike: Since when did Imus have a call-in vote? -> (the other RC's) Mike (whispered): The other Pepsi's Servo (whispered): The other Dr Pepper's Crow (whispered): The other Yoo-Hoo's -> during the InternatCon AB Meeting in Atlanta. Mike: Ah, the good old days... Crow: When Fleet Admirals were Fleet Admirals and dissidents were Maquis. Servo: (singing) Mister, we could use a man like Richard Arnold again... Mike: Would we really need a _man_....? -> Time continues to demonstrate Mike: Noisily outside residential homes in St. Charles, MO. Crow (Chanting): Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock! Servo (Chanting): Attica! Attica! -> that this decision by the AB was a correct one ... Servo: But then again, I could be wrong. Mike: Sorry, wrong Miller. ->Dr. Dave -> Crow: What, no titles? Mike: No, just taxes and registration. Servo: Let's go, guys. Crow: But I wanted to do titles! Mike: There are no titles, Crow; let's get out. Crow: But... but... What about Understudy to George Clooney? Backup to Cal Ripken? The Heartbreak of Psoriasis?.... Servo: Crow, let's _go_! Crow (whines): Lemon Curry?.... <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Mike: I gotta tell you; Dr Dave was pretty mellow and laid back with this posting. Crow: Why makes you say that? Mike: He never use the word "disgruntled"... Bots (screaming): AHHHHHH! Mike (angrily): That was the _last_ time. Servo: Let me get this straight. Howard doesn't answer one phone call, and he gets dumped? Crow: Oh, great. In the next State of the Fleet Address, Dan will extol the virtues of George Steinbrenner. Servo: "In 1995, The New York Yankee Baseball Club was forced to make a difficult decision in order to protect the welfare of the pitching rotation of the organization. Despite enormous pressure, they held the high ground on a matter of principle, and dismissed every member in Public Relation. Instead of the predicted catastrophe, a new and energetic group of Yankee personnel stepped forward and assumed the duties of public relations without a break in service to baseball." Crow: "And the Yankees defeated the Cubs in the 1996 World Series." Servo: "And David Cone won the Cy Young Award over Roger Clemens." Mike: "The End." Crow: Well, at least the Mads didn't shut down the Fleet in retaliation. Servo: Who would notice? Crow: That's true. Mike: It's interesting that you should allude to that. Cambot, put this up on stillstore... =================================================================== Date: 12-10-95 (22:25) Number: 26062 of 27142 (Refer# NONE) To: starfleet@netrail.net From: CAPNHO@AOL.COM (Reply-To: starfleet@netrail.net), CAPNHO Subj: Region 15 RC appointment Read: 12-30-95 (17:11) Status: RECEIVER ONLY Conf: E-Mail (166) Read Type: GENERAL (+) HAS REPLIES Just to give folks a quick update on the R15 RC situation, I spoke at some length with Dan McGinnis tonight (Sunday). He had some issues he wanted to discuss with me and we had a rather frank discussion. Dan will be making a final decision on the new R15 RC soon. The new RC will be taking office on January 1, 1996. FCAPT Howard Cronson USS Christa McAuliffe =================================================================== Mike (continuing): ...as you see, Dan _did_ talk with Howard 12 days previous to the date of the experiment. Crow: I smell a smoking phaser. Servo: Ahhh, I can see it now. Linda Neignbors holding up a poster-size front page of Intercom (The Region 1 Newsletter) with Dan in a diaper at the next AB meeting. Mike: Uh, by the time of the next AB meeting, Oliver Stone will have done a movie to vindicate Dan. Crow: Can I at least have Linda Neighbors in a diaper and wet T-Shirt? Mike: I don't think so, Tim.. er... Crow... um, anyways, this experiment has inspired the following invention. Servo: Mike, they've invented the flipphone already. Mike: And it works like an ordinary phone, except when HQ is calling, then... Crow: What if Dr Dave has your number on speed dial? Servo: Invest heavily in Huggies for Phones. Servo (singing): Welcome back... you dreamed for your ticket out... Mike: I thought we all sent back the defective manacles. Crow: Tom decided to do a little body piercing and, before you say anything, Mike... just don't ask where he's wearing them. Mike (grimaces): What do you think, Sirs? Mads (singing): The answer, my friend, is pissing in the wind The answer is pissing in the wind. How many... Mads: GO AWAY! (singing) How many... Mads (yelling): GO -- AWAY! (Door busts open. In walks --) Cmdr Susan Ivanova: Okay, no games, monkey boy. Lyta Alexander: Where is it? SF's Dan: Where is what? Dr Dave: How dare you address the Fleet Admiral in that manner. Lyta: We're not with Starfleet. Dr Dave: Then it's none of your concern. SF's Dan: We don't air dirty laundry to the public. Ivanova: Ah, but you have something of ours. And we want it back. Dr Dave: I assume you have undisputed proof, if any. SF's Dan: We got those manacles in an honest and open manner. Lyta: We're not talking about the manacles. Dr Dave: And we want our money back! They're defective. Ivanova: You have the password. SF's Dan: What password? Lyta: The password that will release the sleepers all over this region. Dr Dave: I'm getting real pissed at you bimbos. We don't have any passwords! This is all a Maquis rumor by disgruntled members! Ivanova: It's too late. They have it. Lyta: Then there's no other way to get it back. Dr Dave: Don't... don't you telepaths have rules about this? Lyta: We're not with Psi-Corps. SF's Dan: I... I cannot talk about this without consulting my attorney. Client privilege. Ivanova: We met him on the way in. He's now... as you would put it... changing his "legal briefs". SF's Dan: Marian! Dr Dave: Coyote! SF's Dan: Bjo! Dr Dave: Deborah! Mads: MOMMY!!! *BONK!* Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 Created by Joel Hodgson Eric Stillwell Produced by Jim Mallon Rick Berman Mike Piller Written by Dave Miller (Head Writer) Howard Cronson Paul Reid Tom Restivo Additional Material by J. Michael Stracynski Starring Mike D. Smith: Mike J. Nelson Crow T. Robot: Trace Beaulieu Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Jim Mallon Cambot: Himself With -- Dr Dave: Trace Beaulieu Starfleet's Dan: Frank Conniff Special Guest Star Commander Susan Ivanova: Mary Jo Pehl Lyta Alexander: Bridget Jones Incidental Music Arranged and Performed by Christopher Franke and the Berlin Symphonic Film Orchestra Additional Original Music Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson Visual Effects Designed by Ron Thorton Visual Effects Produced by Foundation Imaging, Ltd. Senior Computer Animator Adam "Mojo" Lebowitz Lightwave 3D(R) Furnished by NewTek, Inc. Special Thanks go to The Teachers Across America Authors of the 1st Amendment All MSTies and Fleeters from Coast to Coast Creators of ARPANET Gene Roddenberry Typed in Shadowrama Keep circulating the list * * * -> I personally find it amusing Voiceover: This has been a presentation of Comedy Central and STARFLEET: The International Star Trek Fan Association! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 is based on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for satirical purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. For more MSFT3K postings: http://www.fred.net/tomr.