In the not too distant present In Belleville, Illinois Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan Were getting quite annoyed A Starfleet Ranger by the name of Mike His points of view they did not like The Administration needed to save good face So, by order of the AB, he was shot up into space We'll send him Cheesy Postings The worst we can write (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all Then we'll sap him of his fight (la la la) Now, keeping in mind Mike can't control When the ranting begin or end (la la la) He'll keep his focus to stay in Fleet With the help of his robot friends Robot Roll Call! Cambot! (Hi Gordo!) Gypsy! (Cindy!) Tom Servo! (Don't call me tiny!) Croooooooooow! (Feel my pain!) If you're wondering how they like Star Trek and other fannish facts (la la la) Just remember that this is just a club Read your ComQ and relax For Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000! <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> (Crow and Servo whimpering): Nooooo! Nooooo! Gypsy: ... and so, Starfleet commissioned a secret project to crossbreed an owl with a tribble... Mike: Oh, hi everyone. Welcome to the Deep Space Station of Love. Gypsy is telling the boys here the famous Region One Trib-Owl Story. Gypsy: ... but a few of the hybrids escaped into the wild.... Crow: Mike! Mike! Make her stop! Make her stop! (cries) Servo: You accursed follower of Lorena Bobbitt! Have you no respect for the male of the species!?! Gypsy: Mike, did I do something wrong? Mike: No, Gypsy, it's just a normal reaction when certain, um, sensitive persons hear the story for the first time. Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 15 seconds. Servo: Yeah? Well, aren't _you_ affected by it, Ranger Studley? Crow: Confess, Smith. We're stuck in this tin can together, and we have a right to know if you're hiding something. Servo: Or _not_ hiding something. Mike: It's no secret. You hear it often enough, and you build up a, you know, immunity. Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4..., Oh, Crow? Tom? Crow & Servo: Yeah? Magic Voice: Hoooo! Hoooo! (Crow & Servo go into hysterics) Mike: (sigh) We'll be right back. (Presses button) Voiceover: Tonight on "Politically Incorrect with Bill Mahler" -- Sashi German treks the Internet with Bill Herrmann, while Jennifer Rosbury plays "I've Got a Secret" with Ray Brown! Tonight at 11, only on Comedy Central! (Mike is comforting the Bots) Mike: There, there. Now, it's just all a story. There are no such things as Trib-Owls. Servo: (sniff) No.. no one has ever crossbred a tribble and an owl? Crow: You.. you mean that they aren't hiding trying to get our...? Mike: I'll say it again... it's just a legend. A myth. Servo: Whew! Gypsy really had us going there. Crow: Yeah, I'm glad that Jeannette Maddox doesn't _actually_ -- what was it?-- "fix cats"? (Bots laugh) Mike: Actually, Mad Dog is a licensed veterinarian, so that part _is_ true. (Bots freeze in horror, start to whimper again): WAHHHH! (Light flashes) Mike: Hey, you guys, cheer up. Lursa and B'etor are calling. (Presses button) (Dr Dave is wading in ankle-deep water) Dr D: No time to waste on you, Smith! We have a major disaster on our hands. (calls offscreen) We need more sandbags! Mike: What happened, sir? Another flood? Dr D: ...just use these boxes marked "Booth Admin". Why.... yes, Harcourt. And how inconsiderate of you for not caring about us in our time of need. Typical of you Maquis, only thinking of yourself. Where's your compassion, man? Your decency? Your... (Starfleet's Dan wades into picture, holding a plunger) SF's D: The promissory notes are really clogged up. We'll have to get the snake. (Dr D sighs, pulls SF's D away from viewscreen, whispering) Dr D: You could have burned them. You could have shredded them. You could have put them in copies of "Darkman II" at Blockbuster. But nooooo! You had to try to _flush_ them! SF's D: And what are you worried about? Some subhuman creature who lives below ground, going through all the sewage just to find incriminating evidence to use for personal gain? Dr D: When was the last time you looked in a mirror? The Children of Tama are on viewscreen, so we gotta make it look good. Cry. SF's D: What? Dr D: Think of something sad and cry. Like when Picard lost his "wife" in "The Inner Light". SF's D: I howled at that. Dr D: When the original Enterprise blew up in Star Trek III? SF's D: Bor-ing. Dr D: When Spock died at the end of Star Trek II. SF's D: (shrug) Seen it. Yar, Elvis, L. Ron,... Dr D: How about when we flew down to the Region II Conference and they ran out of Mint Julep Tapioca in First Class? SF's D (bawling): NO FAIR! NO FAIR!!! Dr D: (turns to viewscreen) ... and our esteemed Fleet Admiral is in no condition to deal with you insolent attitude. Your experiment this week is a recent post to alt.org.starfleet -- or should I say alt.borg.starfleet? Because you should know by now, Neelix --- (heh heh heh) resistance is futile. Push the button, Dan. SF's D (still bawling): I'm going to be a powerful Fleet Admiral, you bimbo! And when I'm in charge, I'm going to buy your lousy airline so I can fire you! (SF's D pounds on console, hitting button) All: AAAUGH!! WE"VE GOT POSTING SIGN! <7....6....5....4....3....2....1> -> STAFLEET'S SO CALLED DEMISE???? Mike: Who is Stafleet? And why did his SO call Demise? Crow: And what about... Naomi? -> From: reed@direct.ca (Paul M. Reid) Servo: When you need your ca direct! -> Reply to: Paul M. Reid All (singing): "There's no reply at all..." -> Date: 23 Oct 1995 14:36:00 GMT -> Organization: Internet Direct Inc. Crow: Soon to be owned by Microsoft. Mike: Like everything else. -> Newsgroups:alt.org.starfleet -> Reply to: newsgroup(s) ->For the benefit of all you Starfleet members out their Servo: Oop! Minus 5 for spelling. -> this message from HQ should Crow: Make you yearn for a root canal. -> put an end to those rumours about Starfleet's imminent demise... Mike: We clamped down on that Chicken Little troublemaker and we can do it here! -> Capt. Paul M. Reid -> CO, USS Majestic NCC-61804 Servo: Go Majestic or go naked! -> Director - International Affairs Crow: Responsible for liasions between Fergie and the Texas Toesucker. Servo: Not to mention Hugh Grant and Divine Brown. ->---------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Dear Virginia, -> A fellow member of Starfleet forwarded your recent inquiry to the -> newsgroup. Crow: Where it was promptly filed in the trashcan. -> First off, the newsgroup you accessed has nothing to do with Starfleet. Servo: All those ranks, titles, starship names, Star Trek... nothing to do with it. -> It carries no official status and receives no official recognition of -> any sort Mike: Bubble. Servo: Top Down. Crow: 52-Pickup. -> by the organization: STARFLEET, the International Star Trek Fan Association. Servo: A division of Questar Productions. -> Second, Starfleet is not and will not be folding in anyway. Crow: Except as a cheap chaise lounge. -> As the oldest and largest fan-run Trek fan club in the world, Mike: Oh look! I found my Welcommittee membership! -> Starfleet is now in it's 22nd year of existence. Crow: Shouldn't that be "its"? Mike: Dr Dave got his apostrophes at "Punctuations R Us". -> With over 8,200 members in over 50 countries and 300 -> chapters, Starfleet is now -- at this very time -- Servo: This very minute! Mike: This very second! Crow: This very instant in the time-space continuum! -> the largest it has ever been in it's entire history. Crow: Again with the "it's"! Servo: (Palin's Old Man) "It's..." (Bots hum Month Python theme) -> With the recent elections for a new Fleet Admiral last January, Servo: Nine months sure fly by when you're having fun! Mike: Especially if you're pregnant. -> some disgruntled former members of Starfleet who did not win, Crow: Holed themselves up in a remote camp at Ruby Ridge, armed for Armagedden. -> chose to leave the organization and start their own -- Mike: Chain of hot tub salon franchises. Servo: Class AA Minor League baseball team. Crow: High-powered engines! Vroom! Vroom! Servo: (Tim Allen voice) Power!!! R! R! R! R! -> this has not been uncommon in the 22 year history of our organization, -> in fact, Mike: The obilgatory "fact"! -> Starfleet Command, The Federation, The United Federation of Planets, -> The United Federation of Trekkers, Alpha Quadrant, Servo: Stone Temple Pilots... Mike: The World Boxing Organization... Crow: The American Basketball Association... Servo: The Teamsters... Mike: The Saturday Evening Post... Crow: West Virginia... -> and now the UFP International, all had their start from disgruntled -> former members of Starfleet. Mike: (whispered) Didn't Starfleet itself started from disgruntled members of Starfleet Command? Servo: Fleet has so many disgruntled members it could qualify for a Postal Credit Union. Crow: (Pee-Wee Herman voice): Today's secret word is "disgruntled". Every time you read it, scream real loud! Servo: And leave the Fleet. -> A small number of members and a FEW chapters -> chose to leave and start this new organization. Mike: And only a FEW regions left with them. -> We honestly wish them all Servo: Would catch a flesh-eating bacteria and be forced-fed a steady diet of Maalox. -> the best in their new organization as we were unable to provide the -> feedback they desired. Mike: Unfortunately, hey actually expected explanations instead of pat answers. -> As has also been bourn out by past history, Mike: Bourn? Crow: Mourn? Servo: Morn? Mike: Past history sits silently on a stool at Quark's? -> many of these -> members and chapters will rejoin Starfleet sometime in the future -- Bots: (singing) Next Sunday, A.D... Mike: Cut it out! -> and we wish them all the best in the meantime. Servo: The time we _really_ get mean! -> Has 50% left? No, more like 5%. Leaving a full 95% intact. Crow: I see Dr Dave passed the math core at Med School. -> I don't know the numbers, but 5% of 350 is something like 17 or so, -> maybe 20, Mike: Nope, looks like someone slept through "Sesame Street". -> but you yourself can see as compared to 300+ Servo: I can see as compared to me. -> this is a small number. Couple that hard statistical fact Crow: Not just a fact... a HARD fact! Mike: Watch it, or it's "Time Out" for you! Servo: "Tonight on Hard Fact! Do the math!" -> with the other fact that, since last January, Starfleet -> has added more than 36 entirely new chapters -- Crow: Assembled from scratch by slave laborers in suburban Los Angeles. -> easily absorbing and nullifying any potential loss Servo: If he starts talking about feminine protection, I'm outta here! Mike: "Starfleet! I feel so.... fresh!" -> perceived by the group that recently left to form their own -> organization. (Bots make cricket noises.) -> Is Starfleet on the edge of collapsing? Crow: Like a punctured lung. Servo: "The Edge... of Collapsing!" -> No, in fact, we're the strongest we've EVER been in over 21 years! Crow: Feel those abs! Servo: Flex those pecs! Mike: And you too can get into shape by using... Tamilee Webb's "Fleet of Steel!" Crow: Just twenty minutes a day workout at Bally's. Servo: And a delicious super protein shake, available at GNC. Mike: It's part of a complete breakfast. -> Our membership is the highest it's EVER -> been. Our chapter total numbers are the highest they've EVER been. Crow: That explains the 4 tons of Twinkie wrappers at the IC. Servo: Heavy duty munchies. Mike: Just say "NO" to Dan! -> We have more members in foreign countries now that we've EVER had. Mike: And we're petitioning the UN for a seat. -> And this trend will continue Bots: EVER!! -> as the current administration continues Bots: EVER!! Mike: Alright! That's enough! -> the complete turnaround from the nosedive of the former administration Servo: Dive! Dive! Crow: Ack ack ack ack! Mike (Steve Austim voice): FlightCom! I can't hold her! She's breaking up! She's breaking... -> with the production of member materials and newsletters. Crow: From the same suburban sweatshop. -> As for the Tax problem -- there isn't one. Crow: Taxes and taxes! What is taxes! Mike: There's just rumors circulated by disgruntled members. Bots: AHHHH!! (Mike glares) Servo: You said the secret word! -> The IRS thankfully, assessed all the past difficulties -> as "penalties" only Crow: "Offsides! Five yards! Still second down!" Servo: Do we have to go into a penalty box? Mike: Fortunately, not one operated by Q. Servo: "Two minutes for flaming!" -> and these can be fully waved! (Mike and the Bots wave.) -> The application requesting complete and full waving of these -> "penalties" was Servo: Transformed into a neat origami swan. Crow: Used in the Great Summer Toilet Paper Shortage. Mike: Returned pending clarification of the phrase, "Either approve this or else lose one of your positions!" -> completed sometime ago and we continue to await the IRS reply. Servo: "Bite me!" -> It has taken longer than expected to receive a reply from the IRS -> on this issue Mike: And we can't understand why an organization dedicated to serving the public would ignore those very constituents. -> (but you know how the government works!) Crow: Yeah, one coffee break at a time. -> and we've asked the Fleet's corporate lawyers -> to look into it further for us. Servo: As soon as they're through with the Menendez case. -> Starfleet International is not disbanding, Mike: Or dat banding. -> it is still in existence and -> growing at the fastest rate in it's entire 21 year history!! Crow: Again with the "it's"! Servo: Next invention exchange, we send a combination grammar checker and calculator. -> It remains the largest fan-run Trek organization. -> Please feel free to post this message on any nets or boards you see fit, Servo: Basketball or hockey... Crow: Checkers or Trivial Pursuit... Mike: Or anything else that gives you the fits. -> such as any AOL Trek or Starfleet folders, or the -> alt.org.starfleet newsgroups. Servo: Or even as a supplement to the Washington Post. Crow: Produced in cooperation with The New York Times. -> I'd be happy Mike: But first, I'd need a personality. -> to answer any further questions you or anyone else may have! Servo: Just as long as you're not one of those pesky Maquis. -> :) Mike: :( Crow: :P Servo: =I-) Mike & Crow: ??? Servo: Georgi with a Mohawk. -> The Honor is to Serve, Crow: With fava beans and a nice Chianti. -> Commodore David A. Miller, M.D. -> Chief of Staff, Starfleet -> XO, USS A.M. Valsalva Mike: "Can't handle A.M. Excedrin? Try new A.M. Valsalva to flush out those nasty troubles!" Crow: "Now with Officer's Code of Conduct!" Servo: Okay, let's split. <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Crow: Well, that had all the sincerity of a Johnnie Cochran summation. Servo: Yeah, I need to chew on a bloody glove to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Ptui! Mike: Well, if it'll make you feel better, what we just read doesn't exist. Crow: Huh?? Servo: Have you had one too many Pete's Wicked Ales during X-Files, Smith? Mike: No, really. Starfleet Headquarters only puts out official correspondance by US Mail. Servo: So, the newsgroup posting we just read... Mike: ...is unofficial and carries no weight whatsoever. Crow: So, if HQ posted that Gene Roddenberry was alive and writing Star Trek VIII... Mike: It's considered unofficial. Servo: And if I posted that Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan were total dickweeds... Mike: They couldn't do anything because it would be on an unofficial, unsanctioned medium. Unless you read it in a letter or in the Communique, it isn't true. Crow: Um, Mike? Mike: Yes? Crow: Remember that Trib-Owl story Gypsy told us? If HQ printed it in the next ComQ, would it become true? (Total Silence) Mike: What do you think, sirs? (Presses button) (Water has dissipated, but Dr D and SF's D are in river-wading boots) Dr D: ...if it works on the Fleet, it should work in the courts. SF's D: And if the judge give me a hard time, I'll just call up Marian and... Dr D: You're talking about an Officer of the Court! You can't be serious! SF's D: I mean, call up Jojo and Bela in Chicago and let them handle it. Dr D: Much better. SF's D: And you're sure we can beat this rap? Dr D: I've even got material to use on three Supreme Court Justices. And that's _not_ including Clarance Thomas. (pounding on the door) Dr D: Now who can that be? SF's D: I'll get rid of them. (Puts on voice reverberator) Dr D: Probably another dweeb member who thinks we're a democracy. SF's D (sounds like James Earl Jones): I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL FLEET ADMIRAL! NO ONE GET IN, NOT NO WAY, NOT NO HOW! (Door explodes, falls to ground. Enter -- Judge Dredd in full regalia) Judge D: I am duh law! SF's D & Dr D (Turns to viewscreen): Poopie! Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 Created by Joel Hodgson Eric Stillwell Produced by Jim Mallon Rick Berman Mike Piller Written by Dave Miller (Head Writer) Paul Reid Tom Restivo Starring: Mike D. Smith: Mike D. Nelson Crow T. Robot: Trace Beaulieu Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Jim Mallon Cambot: Himself With -- Dr Dave: Trace Beaulieu Starfleet's Dan: Frank Conniff Special Guest Star: Judge Dredd: Mike D. Nelson Special Thanks go to: The Teachers Across America Authors of the 1st Amendment All MSTies and Fleeters from Coast to Coast Creators of ARPANET Gene Roddenberry Typed in Shadowrama Keep circulating the list * * * -> 5% of 350 is something like 17 or so, maybe 20 Voiceover: This has been a presentation of Comedy Central and STARFLEET: The International Star Trek Fan Association! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 is based on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for satirical purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. For more MSFT3K postings: http://www.fred.net/tomr.