In the not too distant present In Belleville, Illinois Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan Were getting quite annoyed A Starfleet Ranger by the name of Mike His points of view they did not like The Administration needed to save good face So, by order of the AB, he was shot up to space We'll send him Nasty Snail Mail The vilest we can write (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all Then we'll sap him of his fight (la la la) Now, keeping in mind Mike can't control When the ranting begin or end (la la la) He'll keep his focus to stay in Fleet With the help of his robot friends Robot Roll Call! Cambot! (Bob Fillmore!) Gypsy! (Sashi?!?) Tom Servo! (A _real_ Little Guy!) Croooooooooow! (Imus rules!) If you're wondering how they like Star Trek and other fannish facts (la la la) Just remember that this is no plebescite Read your ComQ and just relax For Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000! <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Crow: So, let me get this straight: you're _another_ Mike? Mike: Yep. Servo: It's not the Mads who are sending up experiments, but these two guys living out of their parents basements? Mike: No, they are highly respected officials of an International Star Trek Fan Association. Crow: Same thing. Servo: That explains why this is called the "Starship of Love". Crow: I smell copyright infringement. Servo: Not to mention slander and innuendo. Mike: No, that's this old Campaign Flyer I helped work on. Crow: Same thing. Gypsy: (appears in Janeway garb) Mister Kim! Take us into the nebula. Mike: Sorry, Gypsy, but we just go around and around. Servo: So, this is the Deep Space of Love? Mike: It could also be called Region 7, Sector 1. Crow: Same thing. Servo: The new Mads are calling, I guess. Mike: No, it's Dr Janice Lester and Yeoman Colt. ( Dr D: Well, if it's isn't Rangy Mike and his band of Maquis. Servo: Marquee? Our names in lights? Crow: No, it's like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Dr D: You've gone too far in underminding our authority. SF's D: Right, Steve. Dr D: It's taken us many shares of Questar to purchase this Starship of Love from Deep 13, and we intend on using it to the fullest. SF's D: We intend to show no weakness... Servo: (yawn) Wake me when he gets to "Deep Hurting!" Crow: I bet they trip up on "TOR-TURE"... SF's D: ...and this is the last straw, and I quote: <> "I was quite upset that you could not even bother to spend 32 cents on a stamp to contact me to let me know that you were not attending the Conference. I can see quite clearly now that obviously you will only attend events or Conferences where you can be assured complete support and fealty. That is quite a shameful way to represent this organization." <<>> Dr D: Well, we remember how Ronald Reagan dealt with troublemakers like you. SF's D: And afterwards, we'll invade Grenada and develop expensive Star Wars technology! Dr D: Funded by the yearly chapter assessment. SF's D: Now, we have removed you from any position of power! (laughs) Dr D: Then, we're going after those meddling teenagers and their goofy dog! SF's D: Today, Reagan; Tomorrow, Perot!!! Dr D: But now, here's a little tome I wrote for this occasion. Send it up. (Presses button) Servo: Now, this is _just_ a fan club... Crow: For Star Trek... (Nod together, then...) Bots: (yell) GET A LIFE! IT"S JUST A.... All: AUGH! WE"VE GOT NASTGRAM SIGN! <7....6....5....4....3....2....1....> (Bots and Mike enter theatre> -> Mike: For all those text beings. -> Dear FCapt Smith, Crow: Snooky Wumkums Mikey...how's the wife and kids? -> By now you should have received my letter of 9509.01 Mike: Send by Express Disgruntled Postal Worker. -> which details -> the REAL reason why FADM McGinnis will not be attending the -> Region 7 Conference Servo: Down-to-the-wire NL Wild Card Race. Mike: Dinner date with Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. Crow: Hurricane Marilyn. Mike: Wasn't she at the IC? Servo: No, that's "Marian" Crow: Same thing. -> -- don't you feel like the fool now? Servo: (Homer voice) D'oh! -> This policy for Fleet Admiral travel and appearances is well known -> and long standing, Mike: And you neglected to mention the bowls of Blue M&Ms in the state room of the Fleet Admiral. -> for at least three administrations now. It is -> certainly policy continued by this administration Servo: At least he continued ONE policy. -> since taking office -> last January -- as documented by the many letters similar to -> yours that I've sent out to chapters and regions making -> such request Crow: All one of them request. Mike: You mean Dan has been sending out Ranger Mike letters to Fleet? -> (one specific Region 7 example was the invitation by Wendy -> Fillmore for FADM McGinnis to attend the USS Avenger's 10th -> Anniversary party.) Crow: As a pinata. -> It was also a well-known policy of Region 12 -> when FADM McGinnis served for six years as the RC. Mike: To use the Scholarship Fund. Servo: Serving under McGinnis _is_ an education. -> Asserting that FADM McGinnis will "only attend events or -> Conferences where you can be assured complete support or -> fealty", is a load of steaming horse crap, Mike! Mike: (Homer voice) Mmmmmm... horse crap! Bots: MIKE! EWWWWW!! -> Lose that -> chip off your shoulder Mike: 4 Megs or 8? Servo: Use "Chip & Shoulders" Shampoo! -> before it may cause you to lose yet -> another position in the Fleet. Crow: Regional Director of Warp Nacelle Classification. Mike: (whisper) I thought I _resigned_ my last position... -> You call walking into the "lion's -> eeth" of the Region 1 Summit, Region 4 BBQ, the 95 IC and AB -> meetings Servo: Don't forget the Illinois Circuit Courthouse. -> as only attending events where he had complete support -> fealty? Crow: Only when he has the Mighty Morphin Power EC Cutouts behind him. Mike: Support fealty? Do I find that next to Depends in Safeway? -> More than anything else, the actions of the EC and FADM -> McGinnis during the IC AB meeting Servo: Deserve your consideration at Oscar time. -> should have proven to you -> that they and he are willing to make the hard decisions, are -> willing to address directly the questions and concerns of the -> members of the Fleet, and that they're not afraid of anyone. All: KNOCK KNOCK! GENE'S BACK FROM BEYOND! AND HE'S P*SSED! -> What "a shameful way" for a senior regional STARFLEET -> officer to act. Mike: Oh, look! Dan & Dave are gonna apologize! -> Reread your Officer's Code of Conduct, and then -> reread it again Servo: "Chip & Shoulders Shampoo! With Code of Conduct! Lather, Read, Repeat!" -> beacuse you obviously have no idea what it -> says or means. Crow: And you obviously have no idea how not to split infinitives. -> Grow up! All: (sing) We won't grow up... we don't wanna deal with Dan... -> Your collaborative efforts with -> known members of the Maquis, as well as your repeated -> efforts to topple the current administration and throw -> he entire organization into chaos have not gone unnoticed or -> unrecorded. Mike: Well, _I_ didn't read about it in the latest Communique! Servo: So, it must not have happened. -> I will as COMM Vosseller Crow: Hey! Now they're going beyond proxies and _becoming_ Fleet Officers! Servo: "Attack of the Region Body Snatchers!" Mike: I'm warning Bob's SO! -> to review your continuing -> conduct and determine whether or not it remains in-line with the -> level of maturity and responsibility required of a VRC Servo: And Bob's response: "Bite me!" -> -- a senior -> regional officer who should, at all times, embody the greatest -> ideals of a STARFLEET officer through his every action. Crow: Corresponding party exempted. -> An apology is in order to FADM McGinnis. Do not call me or e-mail -> me on this topic. Servo: (sing) And I want my goodbye back! Mike: Operators will _not_ be standing by! <<>> -> It was signed by Dr. Dave and several titles, Mike: Duke of Earl. Servo: Six of One. Crow: Queen of Diamonds. Mike: Milk of Magnesia. Servo: Governor of the Martian Colonies. Crow: Sultan of Swat. Mike: And last defense witness in the OJ Simpson Trial. -> cc'd to Dan, Bob V and his file. Mike: Bob's file? Crow: Not the file! Tom: Let's go, guys! <1....2....3....4....5....6.....7....> Crow: Y'know, Mike, I can't shake the feeling that these guys are, well, lame. Servo: Dr Forrester and TV's Frank could eat these two for Sunday Brunch. Mike: But they're in complete control of Starfleet! And we have to do something or else the organization will be destroyed! Crow: But, is he going to keep you from watching Star Trek? Servo: Keep you from going to cons? Crow: Stop you from doing charity work? Servo: Or make you watch "Generations"? Mike: Actually, he could in this instance... Servo: You're right... Crow: So, you can't vote them out... Servo: ..and you can't get rid of them through the legal system... Crow: So, what's he gonna do? Toss you in the corn field? Servo: Like, he's going to read your thoughts and do horrible things to you? Mike: We can't let him abuse power... Gypsy: (scared) Dan... it's _good_ that you fired Alan and Janis. Servo: (sarcastically) Oh, bite me, Mister Tin-Plated Pseudo-Fleet Admiral God and your little toady reject from the Kevorkian Academy! Mike: Um...Don't.... don't provoke him.... please... Crow: (little kid voice) You're a _bad_ Fleet Officer! You think _bad_ things about me! You post _bad_ things on the Internet! Servo: Oooo, I'm terrified! C'mon, fellers! Am _I_ the only one who remembers Shatner on SNL... Mike: (pause) What do you think, Sirs? Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 Created by John Hodgson Eric Stillwell Produced by Jim Mallon Rick Berman Mike Piller Written by Dave Miller (Head Writer) Mike Smith Tom Restivo Starring: Mike D. Smith: Mike Nelson Crow T. Robot: Trace Beaulieu Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Jim Mallon Cambot: Himself With -- Dr Dave: Trace Beaulieu Starfleet's Dan: Frank Conniff Special Thanks go to: The Teachers Across America Authors of the 1st Amendment All MSTies and Fleeters from Coast to Coast Creators of ARPANET Gene Roddenberry Keep circulating the list * * * -> Lose that chip off your shoulder Voiceover: This has been a presentation from Comedy Central and STARFLEET! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 is based on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for satirical purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. For more MSFT3K postings: http://www.fred.net/tomr.