(*) TURN DOWN YOUR MONITOR (*) I [where applicable] I * * * Voiceover: Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000, Post 49603, Segment 1. * * * In the not too distant present In Belleville, Illinois Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan Were getting quite annoyed A Starfleet Ranger by the name of Mike His points of view they did not like The Administration needed to save good face So, by order of the AB, he was shot up into space We'll send him Cheesy Postings The worst we can write (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all Then we'll sap him of his fight (la la la) Now, keeping in mind Mike can't control When the ranting begin or end (la la la) He'll keep his focus to stay in Fleet With the help of his robot friends Robot Roll Call! Cambot! (Cue FX...) Gypsy! (Allyson!) Tom Servo! (Oh Yuah?!) Croooooooooow! (Smile when you say that!) If you're wondering how they like Star Trek and other fannish facts (la la la) Just remember that this is just a club Read your ComQ and relax For Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000! <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Servo: Howdy-hi, fellow netizens. You know the drill. The place: Deep Space Station of Love. The robots: Gypsy, Cambot,... Crow: ... Crow T. Robot... Servo: ... and yours truly, Tom Servo. And the human experiment d'jour... Crow (whispering): Psst! Mike! Cue! Mike (looks up): Hi. Mike D. Smith. Ranger-in-exile. (Points to screen.) E-mail. Talk later. (Returns to typing.) Crow: Well, excuuuse me. (To Servo) Check out Dexter Douglas. Servo: As long as he doesn't press the "Delete" key. Mike: Oh, I'll be done in a moment. I'm just getting the latest AB news from HQ. Servo: Is that all? (To camera.) Well, folks, there are these -- (Stops abruptly. Bots look at each other.) Crow: Ah, Mike? When was our last checkup? Mike: I don't know. Why? Servo: I think we're about due. We thought I heard you say you were reading news from HQ on the Internet. Mike: But I am. Servo: Mike, can you also check to see if the Cubs have won the World Series? Crow: I'll go check to see if the Swimsuit Issue of the Communique featuring Jennifer Rosbury on the cover has arrived. Mike: Will you settle for a Lisa Paradis-Berkenbilt Pin-up Calendar? (Hands Bots calendar, then resumes typing.) Servo: Sa-ay! Nice software. Crow: Hel--lo, USO Girl! Servo: Does Jay know about this? Crow: Look who took the pictu-- Wait a minute, Mister Smith! You haven't answered our question. Servo: Since when did HQ start sending out official news on the 'nets? Crow: Don't try to dodge it with fluff and misdirection. Mike: Who do you think taught the Mads? This is called the AB Net. It's been up for a while. I'm the On-Line Proxy to the Region. Servo: And you didn't _tell us_?? Crow: Mike! How could you! We're your pals. Your buddies. Your amigos. Servo: Your only connection to reality up here! Crow (sobs): I feel so cheap and used... Servo (broods): Betrayed... misguided.... Mike: Look, it's only been up for just a short while. Besides, HQ actually fulfilled one of its promises made at the International Conference. Crow: You mean, "Those individuals will no longer serve in positions of leadership in this association." Servo: Been there, done that. Crow: Alan, Janis, Bill, Howard, Gail... Mike: Actually, that applies to those 'who are not capable of acting responsibly and truthfully'... Servo: You mean the Mads _resigned_? Woo hoo! Crow: Viva Le Fleet! Mike: No, no, no! I mean that HQ decided to act on the recommendations of the Electronic Communications Task Force. Crow: I smell ongoing arc backstory. Servo: I must have missed that part between the thunderous applause of the faithful and the righteous exodus of the disgruntled. Mike: AHHHHH! Servo: Y'know, Mike, that can be cured nowadays. Crow: But he likes it. Right Mikey? Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 30 seconds. Mike (coughs): Anyway, the Task Force recommended that every Region be represented on-line, and every member on the Admiralty Board already has an electronic contact. Hence, the AB Net. Servo: Yeah, right, Cliff Stoll. Let's check this out for ourselves. Mike: Hey, wait... I was in the middle of... Crow: What's this? I don't remember any of these Usenet Groups? Mike (flustered): No, stay out of that... Crow: "alt.org.disgruntled.scream.real.loud"? Servo: "alt.fan.ensign.crusher.sue.sue.sue"? Crow: "alt.startrek.techtalk.holodeck.naughty.rosenzweig"? Servo: "alt.fan.firefighters.do-it-with-suspenders"? Crow: "alt.sex.bondage.listadmin.mistress-lisa"? Servo: "alt.binaries.pictures.erotic.sashi-german"? Mike (red with embarassment): Magic Voice, isn't it time for Commercial Sign? Magic Voice: Hey guys, does he have "alt.binaries.pictures.vrc-in-drag"? Servo: Yep. Magic Voice: Hee hee hee. Commercial sign now. Mike: If anyone asks, I'll be in Oklahoma City wearing an "I 'Heart' Alan Ravitch" T-Shirt. (Hits button). [Commercial.] Chorus (background): Doo doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah! [Scene: "Manos: The Hands of Fate". The woman and child are imprisoned by the Master and Torgo in the dungeon while the nymphs perform their satanic dance. Outside, the man is held at bay by Hounds of Hell.] Singer: It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, with Mentos, fresh and full of life. [The man grins and pops a Freshmaker into his mouth. He sees a ridiculously convenient frisbee nearby, and plays fetch with the hounds.] Singer: Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, [The hounds become as friendly as border collies and frolic after the frisbee.] Singer: With Mentos, fresh and full of life. [The man strolls into the dungeon, followed by the now-docile hounds. The nymphs break out of their dance and play with the hounds.] Singers: Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, [ The man takes the woman by the hand. They leave the dungeon in the style of a ballroom waltz while the child skips behind.] Singers: Fresh goes better with Mentos,... [The Master and Torgo grin knowingly at the man, thwarted by the power of freshness. They then trade "aw-shucks" punches in the arm with each other.] Singers: ...fresh and full of life! [Husband turns around at the entrance of the dungeon and flashes the Mentos in freezeframe.] Voiceover: "Manos: The FreshMaker of Fate!" [Back to show] Crow: I never knew Dana Marshall did it Service Doggy Style. Servo: Go back to alt.fan.sastrowardoyo.does-it-with-spoilers. Mike (relieved): Oh, great. Ross and Rachel are calling. (Hits button.) Dr D: Ah, there you are, Dunsel. There's been a recent shakeu-- er, opening for the position of Starfleet Academy Commandant. Crow: Really? (To off camera.) Hey, Gypsy! Here's your big chance! Mike (whispering): Opening? I didn't know anything about an opening. Servo (whispering): We didn't know anything about an AB Net. Gypsy: Ohh! Ohhh! Sirs, _kind_ Sirs, I would like to apply for the position of Starfleet Academy Commandant. Crow: She'd make a great Commandant, Sirs! Servo: She already runs all the higher-level functions of the ship. What other requirements do you need to run the SFA? Gypsy: (solemnly) I would establish a College of Richard Basehart Studies. Crow (whispering): Later, Gypsy. SF's D (abruptly): Too late. The position's been filled. Gypsy (disappointed): Oh, poopie. (Exits.) Mike: Hey, you can't do that! That's unfair! Crow: That's unconstitutional. Servo: That's discriminatory! SF's D: That's life. And if you still need one, check out Article V, Section VII. (Holds up Starfleet Constitution, written in Pig Latin on parchment.) Dr D: It includes the Fleet Admiral's right to appoint, replace, or retain anyone for anything, Including first choice of papal succession. SF's D: It's all perfectly legal, and there ain't thing one which you can do. Servo: What about the Member's Handbook under Rights and Responsibilities? Mike: Look here. "The right to apply to any Fleet position you feel qualified to participate in." Crow: "The right to participate in Fleet functions to the fullest extent you wish to." Servo: "The right to have fu--" SF's D: You feebs should have checked the expiration date on that rag. Dr D: Nice thing, these invention exchanges, courtesy of the Ministry of Truth, Records Department. SF's D: Biodegradable, safe for the environment, and impervious to any packrat tendencies of Maquis sympathizers. Dr D: Now all we have to do is say it often enough to make it true. Mike (disgusted): Those that control the past control the future. Crow (Don Adams voice): Would you believe... the not-too-distant future? SF's D: You're on the right track, Tin Man. Dr D: In today's three-ring circus of a society,, the masses assemble at the pantheon known as TV Land to worship the Heroes and Legends of the Unblinking Eye. SF's D: And within that vast V-Chip on Toast, there is a character whose style, demeaner, and interpersonal skills complement this Administration perfectly. Dr D: His reputation, both famous and infamous, only enhances his growing popularity. SF's D: You are repulsed, yet, you cannot bear to stay away. Dr D: A character despised and misanthropic, save for one redeeming talent which mollifies the most bellicose of patrons. SF's D: A man after my own soul. Dr D: And, so from the world of Seinfeld, I give you the new Commandant of Starfleet Academy -- Soup Nazi! SN: You want voucher. Hmmm?? Three dollars! Recruit: But vouchers are only worth one dollar each. SN (angrily): Five dollars!! Recruit (weakly): Five dollars? SN: No class for you! (Rips up application.) Next! (Continues to rant in background as Mads come into camera range again.) SF's D: Other positions will be filled in a similar manner. Dr D: Already there are two candidates to succeed Ops -- Ralph Wiggum from 'The Simpsons', and Murray, the dog on 'Mad About You'. SF's D: The Vice Commander herself requested The Nanny as her successor. Servo: So that explains Niles Crane at CompOps. Crow: No, that's Richard, the assistant from 'Caroline in the City'. Mike: I thought it was John Tesh. SF's D: Interesting you brought that up, Marcel. There's been an outbreak of allegations on the 'nets concerning misallocation of scholarship funds. Dr D: Naturally, when this subject comes up, my first instinct is to innoculate the Administration from recrimination and incinerate the claims as innuendo. SF's D: Fortunately, this week's experiment comes from a series of posts from an online advocate who makes Donald Sutherland look like Dustin Hoffman in baggy khaki. Dr D: As it is noted in the poem, "Paradis Lost", "It is better to rule in AOHell than to listserv in Heaven." Send up the experiment, Dan. Servo: (ranting furiously) Okay, okay, who is next? You, what do you want? You take too much time. I have customers. No Trek for you! Next! Crow: Y'know, there's a big difference between art imitating life and stretching a premise a _bit_ too far, you dickweed. Servo: Who is Dickweed? I do not know this Dickweed. No Trek for you! Next! Mike (exasperated): Look, if you're gonna call yourself 'Trek Sashi', you're going to have to do it right, First, she's nowhere as tempermental... Servo: Hah! Get out! I do not need you! I have plenty of other customers! Mike: And that's my second point. There _are_ no other customers. There's just me, Crow, and Gypsy. Servo (looks at Cambot): What about that one? Mike: Yeah, right. Cambot's going to ask... Mike and Crow: AHHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT POSTING SIGN! Servo (still in character): No posting sign for you today! Get out! Mike (grabs Servo): C'mon, N.K.V.D. Stew! Servo (whispering): Jimmy Smitski. <7....6....5....4....3....2....1> Servo: Maybe if I called myself "Warp 10 Nazi".... Mike: C'mon, Tom, give it a rest. (takes wig off Servo) Now pay attention to the message. Crow: If we're going through AOHell, do we get the cyberpoet Virgil as a guide? -> Subj: Scharlorship Funds Mike: "Come into my scharlor," said the spider to the fly.... ->Date: 96-02-06 09:25:14 EST ->From: Pdyl Servo: P! D! Y! L! Blue! Ba da bum... Crow: P.D.Y.L. - Pipe Down, You Losers! Mike: No, that's his user name. Servo: AOL gets all these subscribers, and they can't afford any vowels? Crow: Must be all those freebie startup disks they send in the mail. ->Janice, Mike: Dian... Servo: Holly... Crow: Rod... -> I don't know what the problem is with your funds Mike: James MacDougall promised a high yield by this time. -> but I was at Fleet HQ from Dec 27 thru 31 Servo (surfer voice): And we had a bitchin' New Year's Eve Party. Woo hoo! -> and I saw the check Crow: And the Slovak. -> that was made out Mike: Of amino acids. Servo: The building blocks of life. -> for you to your school Mike (announcer's voice): Compliments of "It's Academic!" -> and it had been cashed. Crow: Ah! Rubber for the students! -> Dan did contact the school to notify them Servo: Of a sneak inspection by the superintendant, -> of the problem you are having Crow: Please see your family doctor for further assistance. -> and sent a photocopy to the school to show they cashed it. Mike: Like you would do to prove current membership to a Trek club. -> STARFLEET can't do any more Servo: (Scotty voice) She canna do enny mo', Keptin! -> in this area. The problem lies within the school or your account. Crow: The fault, dear Brutus, lies not with the stars but with our educational and financial systems. -> I hope all works out for you. Mike (Denise Austin voice): Come on! You can do it! Work it out! -> Fleet Captain Paul C. Dyl Crow: Of the Fifth House of Betazed. Mike: Heir of the Holy Rings of Betazed. Servo: Keeper of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx. Crow: And Carolina League affiliate of the Kansas City Royals. -> ================================================================ Mike: Duhhhhh.... Train tracks.... -> Subj: Scholarship Debate Servo: On the right! John Sununu! On the left! Freddy "The Beetle" Barnes! Mike: They're _both_ on the right. Crow: In today's political climate, Freddy Barnes is a liberal. -> Date: 96-02-23 21:12:16 EST -> From: AngelesFlt Servo: Hey, she's got _three_ vowels. Mike: In California, it's considered a status symbol. Crow (announcer's voice) Flight Angeles will be arriving at Gate 3 at 21:12. -> I'm still waiting Servo (singing): For a girl like you... -> for Starfleet to send my college Crow: Mascot. Servo: Frat ring. Mike: Letterman's sweater. Crow: Is that a Top Ten Sweater? -> (which I have now graduated from) Mike: And will be paying off the loans until my retirement. -> the Space Explorers Scholarship money that I won last July 1995. Crow: Fair and square. Servo: And I read it in the CSR. Mike: So there! Nyah!! -> Fleet insists that they sent the money. Crow: Baybanks is waiting for a certificate of deposit. -> The college has received nothing, Servo: But reject linebackers from Stanford. -> including a copy of the supposed canceled check. Mike: Sent by bulk rate with the rest of the ComQs. Crow: During the government shutdown. -> This debate has been going on for months. Servo: Less filling or tastes great? Crow: Crunchy wheat or nicely sweet? Mike: Strong enough for a man or made for a woman? -> Will the problem ever be resolved? Servo: Will John and Marlena find true happiness? Crow: Will the Tasters' Choice couple find more action than Martin Tupper? Mike: Will OJ find the real killers? Servo: Stay tuned! Same bat-folder, same bat-service! -> What do you all think? Mike: First you assume we _can_ think... -> Janice Willcocks (Bots giggle like Beavis and Butthead) Mike: Before you start.... _don't_! -> ================================================================= Mike: This section sponsored by the Equal Rights Amemdment. (Bots groan.) Mike: Get it? There's all these equals, and... heh heh... uhhh... -> Subj: Re:Scholarship Debate -> Date: 96-02-23 21:44:41 EST -> From: Pdyl -> Just one question, Servo: Here comes Lt Columbo. Crow: Where's Mrs Columbo? Mike: In the Delta Quadrant. -> Are you in Fleet? Servo: Look, he's doing Bugs Bunny meets Wile E. Coyote. Mike: Are you in--genious? Crow: Are you in--solent? Servo: Are you in-satiable? Crow: Are you in-edible? Mike: Are you in--ept? Servo: Are you ex-perienced? -> Pdyl Mike: Where's his rank? Crow: Where's his name? Servo: Where's his vowels? Crow: I still think that's "Lady-p" backwards. Mike: I read it backwards and I get a recipe for lentil soup. -> ================================================================= Servo: (chopper sounds) And traffic is backed up on Interstate 5 all the way from the Santa Monica Boulevard, which is being blocked by Sheryl Crow... -> Subj: Re:Scholarship Debate -> Date: 96-02-24 10:27:15 EST -> From: Pdyl -> Robbie, Servo: Charlene... Crow: Fran... Mike: Earl... Servo: I'm the Baby! Gotta Love me! -> You have assumed that Crow: Blondes have more fun. Mike: The Blue Jays can carry six starters in the season. Servo: Tipper Gore is haunted by the ghost of Frank Zappa. -> I was trying to link the problem Mike: To Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp. Crow: (Mata Hari voice) Oh Lancelot... -> to her being non fleet Crow: Is that like "her persona non grata"? -> to not getting her funds, You have only made a JACK "ASS" Servo: Out of a pig's ear. Crow: And you can conveniently jack up your ass when it breaks down. Mike: This message brought to you by the American Burro Association. -> out of yourself with such of an assumption. Crow: But not that much of a visitation. Mike: And not a lot of annunciation. -> I just wanted to know Servo (singing): What love is... I want you to show me.... -> for my own info. I had heard a rumor that she had quite very shorlt Mike: Uh, come in Houston. You're breaking up. Over. -> after she won which would imply that Crow: The Village People are ready for a comeback. Mike: The sum of the squares of the sides of a right triangle is the square of the hypotenuse. Servo: Nicole Kidman was cheated out of an Oscar nomination. -> she was in for the scharlorship then left. Crow (Snagglepuss voice): Exit, to the Scharlor's ship... Stage left! -> So before you try to get on your horse, Mike: Try to get on your ass. Servo: And use your jack. -> get the facts and don't assume! Crow: And brush after every meal! Servo: And reread your Officer's Code of Conduct! Mike: I tried to get the facts but my dedicated line was down. -> Paul Dyl Crow: Don't you wish Paul used Dyl? Servo: Don't you wish everyone did? -> P.S. Oh Robbie, Got the Intercom yesturday. Crow: Hey! He called him a turd! Booo! Mike: No, no, that's a typo. Servo (singing): Yesturday.... all my feces seems so far away... -> Pretty good. Crow: For an Ass Jacker. -> =================================================================== Servo: Construction continued on the C-Train extension into Flatbush.... -> Subj: Re:Scholarship Debate -> Date: 96-02-25 16:47:37 EST -> From: Pdyl -> Look, All we know, Mike: Is that he saw the copy of the cancelled check. Crow: Did he get the facts by fax? -> That money could be there and Servo: Maybe not. -> she is just saying this.... Mike: Side of her scalp is more tingly than the other. Servo: Thanks to new Pert Plus. Crow: Now with more Ass Jack! -> It has and is being done Mike: And will be done again. -> about the Membership Packets and CQ's! Crow: What, the college didn't get its membership packets and CQs? -> She is and has been verbal Servo: But will be probably by math in the future. -> about Dan and supplied copies Crow: Now she's being verbal about supplied copies? Servo: How about demanded originals? -> in the begining Mike: When Dan created the Heavens and the Fleet... -> of all this to Gary Decker (?). Crow: ???? Servo: ?!?!? Mike: ?!@#$@ -> I'm NOT saying she actually did this, Crow: And I'm NOT going to pay a lot for this muffler! -> but it could be ion MY opinion. Mike: That's a very charged opinion there. -> since I know the check was cashed Servo (Bev voice): Then there _must_ be something wrong with the universe. -> something at the school or her is not right. Mike: Look, the auditions for the Inquisitor are down the hall and to the right, See the nice Vorlon for assistance. -> And if she feels that she is all right, Crow: Then she should be a lock for the Republican nomination. -> then take it to court. Servo: The People's Court! -> I know that If I was to get this money and never got it, Mike: You would be Janice Willcocks. -> You better beleive Mike: Do _you_ believe? Say, YEA-AH! Bots (unenthusiastically): Yeaaaaa.... -> I take it to court! Mike: I take it to Connolly. Crow: I take it to Evert. Servo: I take it to Seles. -> Or is it because it was paid? Crow: I say someone cashed it at the ATM near the grassy knoll. -> Many unanswered questions and many more to come? -> Pdyl Mike: Thank you, Robert Stack. Servo: Time to go, guys. <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Mike: Cambot, play back the Blackadder theme, instrumental only. His soup, ambrosia in a cup His bread, it sops up all the flavor His cus-tomers line up for mi-iles His in-dignation they will savor Soup Na-zi Soup Na-zi Seinfeld's your biggest fan Soup Na-zi Soup Na-zi The toast of Man-hat-tan You bet-ter ask for bread with soup Or it will cost you thirteen dol-lars And if you deviate your or-ders It on-ly make him want to hol-lar Soup Na-zi Soup Na-zi Your orders don't delay Soup Na-zi Soup Na-zi Or "No soup for you!" today It's fun to watch him scream and shout And make his clients looks like pot-sies But would his antics still amuse you If he was called the "Boullion Sta-si" Soup Na-zi Soup Na-zi Enjoy your flirt with fame Soup Nazi Soup Nazi It's Campbell's just the same---- Mike (spoken): We'll be right back (Presses button.) [Caption: #49603 - Dyl 'S' for Scholarship.] [Commercial] [Scene: Slacker ranting.] Slacker: ComQs, man! It's repression! They say _it_ is official news, but _who_ are they? *I* have the right to read what I *want* to read!... Blonde: Fleet. Read one or get none. Slacker (enthusiastically): Ah, these are cool. Yeah, I really like these Trek stories. I'll read them and read them... Voiceover: Fleet. Get some. Slacker: Thank you, Mister Fleet! [Back to show] -> =========================================================== Mike: Messages from AOL -- Perforated for your convenience. -> Subj: Re:The Circle Crow: Hey, We got into a DS9 newsgroup! Servo: Cool! Frank Langella and Louise Fletcher. Mike: Prince of Darkness meets Nurse Ratched. Servo: Isn't that the current Administration? ->Date: 96-02-25 16:51:31 EST ->From: Pdyl -> Well, about the call, Mike: Of the wild. -> Yes I did try to call Servo: But all I got was Howard Cronson. -> and I have emailed with Janice Crow: Please! There are minors present! -> to try to get a copy if I can but I told her no promises -> because I don't know if I can. Mike: This response sounds pretty canned. Bots: Can-can! La--- la la la la la la la la la la la la.... -> As for the changes in ComOps, Servo (singing): Ch-ch-ch-changes... -> that is up to you to believe or not. Crow (Jack Palance voice): Believe it... or not! Mike: I want to see him do single-arm pushups first. -> Again one will get it Servo: And one will not get it. Crow (dipsy female voice): I don't _get_ it... -> but say they did not. I Know it is happening so that is all I care. Mike: And that's all I can say about that. -> Pdyl -> Jermony, Servo: Isn't that what Tom the Cat had to pay Jerry Mouse when they broke up? -> Your right, Mike: Your left... your left... your left-right-left... -> If we don't publicly attack, we must be Dan cronnies..... Crow: Mmmm... Dan Cronnies.. I love those dipped in warm milk. -> ============================================================= Mike: This message must have scored high on the Love-O-Meter. -> Subj: Re:The Circle All (singing): Will the circle be unbroken... -> Date: 96-02-25 21:17:54 EST -> From: Pdyl -> Once again your assuming. Servo: Modern medicine can take care of that painlessly. -> As I stated before I was not saying she did anything Mike: But innuendo goes a long way. -> but it has happened before Crow: Ah! The Great Cheese Scholarship Caper! She had a key! -> and we should look at all avenues! Servo: Fifth. Crow: Park. Mike: Atlantic. All: Monopoly! -> Since the other funds did make it, Mike: To the slush account. -> it questions as to why this particular one has not! Servo: Maybe it slipped through a spatial vortex. Crow: That's how Paris gets to wager so much in his holo-bar. -> What reasons do you give for her not getting it? Mike: Um, excuse me, isn't that a somewhat _personal_ question? Crow: Not unless this has switched to a daytime talk show. -> I'd like to see reasons other than personal attacks on Dan. Mike: Like personal attacks on Janice. Servo: Using personal questions. Crow: Supplied by anti-personnel ammunition. -> I know that is what your going to say so just say it. Bots (in unison): It. Mike: By Nike. -> Since I know better Crow: And, sir, you're no better. Mike: But you _are_ Jack Kennedy. -> and you feel you do, then oh well. Vote for your friend MSmith Servo (Londo voice): My good, dear friend Mister MSmith. Crow: MSmith? Like Anna Nicole Smith? -> and no doubt you will try to use this Mike: In the rinse cycle. -> in the campaign and just be careful, Crow: Hey... let's be careful out there! -> you could be setting yourself up. Servo: Run! It's booby-trapped propaganda! -> Oh by the way, Crow: He's doing Columbo again! -> when you look at my other postings, Servo: Do you think I'm gaining a little weight? -> you will notice I sign either Pdyl or Paul Dyl, Mike: Thank you, Fleet Captain. -> no rank or position. Crow: No sense. Mike: No remorse. Servo: No conscience. Crow: No exit. Mike: No trespassing. Servo (singing): Not a single luxury... -> These comments are mine and only mine Crow (Yoda voice): Mine mine mine! Or I will help you not! -> and I have no problem standing up Servo: Rolling over and fetching are still a challenge. -> for myself and hiding with titels Mike: Soldier of Fortune recommends camouflaged titles. ->or using them to misrepresent my opinion as a group opinion Crow (Marlin Perkins voice): Jim and I observe the group of opinions roaming the arid Seregeti. -> etc, so please get your facts straight and get a life. Mike: So, like, does that mean we should pay more attention to the movies? -> This politcal fighting is worse than the real US politics. Servo: When did Newt Gingrich called Bill and Hillary a pair of Maquis and kick them out of Congress? Crow: I must have missed that on Imus. -> If I realy want to have a headache Mike: I would have been an instructor at the Albert Belle Charm School. -> and deal with garbage like this, I'd become a whinning democrate. Crow: A braying wooden fruit box? Servo: Garbage in, garbage out. ->Any future comments that you want responses to Mike: Will be electronically shredded and recycled. -> email me at Pdyl. Servo: And bring your Visa card. Crow: Because AOL used up all its vowels. Mike: And they don't take American Express. ->Pdyl ->=========================================================== Mike: The Q Continuum from very very *very* high up... -> Subj: Re:The Starfleet listserv... Crow: How did we get from the Circle to the Listserv? Servo: Someone took the wrong turn at Alberquerque. -> Date: 96-03-02 10:10:23 EST -> From:Pdyl -> -> For those of you who can or gets the listserv. Crow: Those who can, gets. Servo: Those who cannot gets, listservs. Mike: And if you can gets it, you can't get it. -> you will see how those Crow: Nooks and crannies hold the melted butter. -> who are against dan and now us Mike: members of the e. e. cummings appreciation society. ->for speaking our minds in this folder Servo: A speaking mind is a terrible thing to fold. -> have sent copies of my post Crow: To the New York Post. Mike: And the Washington Post. Servo: And the Saturday Evening Post. -> and should I say selected ones All (in unison): Selected ones. Crow: Is that like the First Ones? -> that deal with the Scharlorship stuff. Servo: Only at KFC! The Meal Deal stuffed with Scholarship! -> What they feel to send over thier All (singing): Over there... over there... >- was my post about I was not saying she did wrong but it is possible. Mike: It is possible you were saying she did wrong? -> Next, Nothing was said about how she had emailed me asking for some -> help Servo: On her verbal math homework. Crow: Unfortunately, all copies were erased, so you'll have to take my word. -> which I told her I would do my best. Mike: Peter Best impersonation. -> Aslso the Scharlorship Committee Chair Servo: Is much like the Comfy Chair, but without the Soft Cushions. >- ask me to call for me to give what info I know. Mike: What is your name? Crow: What is your quest? Servo: What is the maximum airspeed of an unladed swallow? -> I tried this, Crow: With Hamburger Helper and Rice-a-Roni. -> and no I did not leave my number since it is unlisted. Mike: Then how does he get any phone calls? -> They try to compare my views to my position. Crow: Stationary. Mike: Reactionary. Servo: Missionary. -> My position reflects help in the following areas: Mike: Bosnia, Herzogovina, and enclaves of Sarajevo. -> As the chapter CO of the Lynx, I help my chapter! Crow: Help! Chapter! Police! ->As a director of an Academy, Servo: Up the Academy! -> I help my students, Mike: Get into Yale Law School. -> and by the way I have had all high remarks for that school. Bots (singing): He's got... hi----gh remarks, he's got... Mike (weakly): But he didn't inhale. -> (so please try to shoot that down), Mike: Pull! Crow (Don Adams voice): Missed it by _that_ much. -> As for the Co-Vice Chief of CompOps, my job is to Servo: Vice all the CompOps in a vise. -> update the vessel registry, chapter rosters etc. Mike: How does one update an etc? -> to include helping Wayne with email on SCC# etc. Crow: Courtesy of Mail Boxes, Etc. -> I have done this and continue to do my best since Mike: "You Can't Hurry Love" was put on hiatus. Crow: Tori Spelling discovered she has an acting career beyond her father. Servo: Broiling beats frying. -> the copy of the databsae that I have is from Mid-Jan. Mike (whiny): Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!! ->Until the new database is sent, Crow: It's time for marathon showings of Saturday Night Live -- the Garafalo Years. -> I am unable to do anything else further. Mike: Perhaps have a life? Servo: Kiss a girl? Crow: Move out of your parents' basement? -> These are my responsibilities, not the Scharlorship, not the Int. -> Conf Servo: Not the Mama! Not the Mama! -> or stampede etc. Mike: Look out! The etcs are stampeding! Bots: Ahhhhh! -> So trying to link my posts Mike: With Link Sausages. Crow: *That's* what happened to Lancelot?!? EWWWWW!!! -> to the way I carry out Servo: Or eat in. -> my job is a sorry attack Crow: So he's the Director of Sorry Attacks? Mike: He helps his attacks be sorry. -> of only one thing event in mind, Servo: Coming downtown! The Thing Event! Mike: Give him a hand!! Crow: Woo hoo!!! -> to have me out of those positions. Servo: A chiropractor would be more practical. -> Well that is up to the chiefs or Commandant. Mike: Joe Montana, Len Dawson, and Colonel Klink? -> I in no way sign my titles with my post Crow: Nor post my titles with signs? Servo (Serling voice): The signpost up ahead: The Titles Zone. Bots (humming): Nee nee nee nee... nee nee nee nee... -> that do not have anything to do with that particular position. Mike: This guy has more positions that do nothing than the New York Mets. -> I don't need a title. Crow: Titles! We don't need no steenkin' titles! -> I can do the same work in CompOps with or without a title. Servo: I'm waiting for the unified title with Mike Tyson. -> It is you who wish to see me not carry a title. Crow: How about carry a tune? Servo: Cary Grant? Crow: Harry Carey? Servo: Carry me back to Ol' Virginie? Mike: Okay, M*A*S*H did those already.... -> You can't do jack about the chapter. Mike: New Jack Chapter. Crow: Does he teach a course in jack? Servo: Not without his Ass. -> (SEE I AM USING MY NAME( NO TITLES) Crow: Good. You get a cookie. Mike: He doesn't have to. He used them all earlier in the message. -> come back to reality..... Servo: Come back to Jamaica... -> Paul Dyl -> P.S. Someone put this on the Listserv... Crow: And ring the doorbell. Mike: And run away very very fast. ->Thankyou. Crow: You'rewelcome. Servo: Thank Ghod that's over. Mike: Ladies and gentleman, Paul "No-titles" Dyl has left the building! <1...2...3...4...5...6...7...> Crow: Whew, After this, I'm reading for a hot refreshing Lysol shower. Mike: Y'know, I think this guy lost one too many Titleist balls in the rough. Servo: Maybe it's a congenial defect? Mike: Only William Safire would know for sure. Crow: I say it's an uncontrollable phobia of pink fuzzy knit sweaters. Gypsy: Stop it! Stop it! That's just plain mean. Crow: Gypsy! Who died and made you Jennifer Rosbury? Gypsy: You guys... (sighs)... I know the Mads and their followers are evil, but do you have to be as bad as them? Mike and Bots (stunned): Huhhh? Gypsy: Remember the episode "Infection" on Babylon 5? Sheridan said, "You forgot the first rule of the fanatic: when you become obsessed with the enemy, you _become_ the enemy." Crow: Gypsy,... you're quoting _Stracynski_! Gypsy: While you were in the theatre, I read a Usenet message from Joe. He also said, "All I hear around here is screaming, and y'know, you all sound alike after a while...and when both sides begin using the same tactics, the same flames, the same instant condemnation... congratulations, you have become the enemy in whose use of those same techniques you find such disgust." Mike: Wow... Gypsy girl... we just didn't know... Gypsy: Everyone is more than just a collection of ones and zeroes on the Web, Mike. I learned that from you guys. Mike: I think Gypsy is right. Maybe we've been too hard on the Mads. Crow: Maybe we should be riffing _ourselves_. Servo (abruptly): Pardon me for not enjoying this "Full House" moment, but I'd rather review Voyager first. Gypsy: I found out something else about Paul on the computer. You heard about the book, "Primary Colors"? Who do you think "Anonymous" is? Servo (impressed): You mean... _he_... sa-ay! Maybe there _is_ more than meets the screen! Mike (sincerely): What do _you_ think, Sirs? SF's D (to screen, whispering): Stifle it, Meatheads! It's the Original Classic Enterprise and crew. Dr D: We checked the episodes. There no way we can beat Classic Kirk if he discovers us! SN (in vain): Stop! Get out! No... soup... for... you...Get... out!! Spock (reading tricorder): Power levels are down to twenty-six percent. Kirk (into communicator): Keep it up, Scotty! We're almost there! SN: Noooooooo..... Spock: Captain, my tricorder is still picking up strong traces of non- self-determination. Kirk: It will subside after time... now we have to teach those people the virtues of Cup-a-Soup. (Looks at puddle wistfully.) I wonder if it would have been so wrong just to order _one_ cup of Shrimp Bisque. (Flips communicator.) Scotty -- two to beam up. Dr D: Soup Na--, ah, Al. We would like to make a proposal. SF's D: There is a position within my Administration that has been vacant for some time. Dr D: It requires a person who is able to articulate the views and positions of HQ with passion and fervor. SF's D: Who will act as a buffer between us and the disenchanted and the disinformed. Dr D: The last person, um, left on a long-term position. SF's D: And there's no telling when he'll be back. Dr D: But you would make a fine On-Line Representative to the Fleet Admiral. SF's D: Do you think you could cook up a little something on the Internet? SN (scowlingly): Push the button -- now! SN (voiceover): Next! Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 Created by Joel Hodgson Eric Stillwell Produced by Jim Mallon Rick Berman Mike Piller Written by Dave Miller (Head Writer) Paul C. Dyl Janice Willcocks Tom Restivo Starring Mike D. Smith: Mike J. Nelson Crow T. Robot: Trace Beaulieu Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Jim Mallon Cambot: Himself With -- Dr Dave: Trace Beaulieu Starfleet's Dan: Frank Conniff Special Guest Stars Soup Nazi: Mike J. Nelson Classic Kirk: Jim Mallon Classic Spock: Paul Chaplin Additional Original Music Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson Special Thanks go to The Teachers Across America Authors of the 1st Amendment All MSTies and Trekkers from Coast to Coast Creators of ARPANET Gene Roddenberry Typed in Shadowrama Keep circulating the listserv * * * -> with garbage like this, I'd become a whinning democrate. * * * Voiceover: This has been a presentation of Comedy Central and STARFLEET: The International Star Trek Fan Association! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 is based on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for satirical purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. For more MSFT3K postings: http://www.fred.net/tomr.