(*) TURN DOWN YOUR MONITOR (*) I [where applicable] I * * * Voiceover: Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000, Post 49602, Segment 1. * * * In the not too distant present In Belleville, Illinois Dr Dave and Starfleet's Dan Were getting quite annoyed A Starfleet Ranger by the name of Mike His points of view they did not like The Administration needed to save good face So, by order of the AB, he was shot up into space We'll send him Cheesy Postings The worst we can write (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all Then we'll sap him of his fight (la la la) Now, keeping in mind Mike can't control When the ranting begin or end (la la la) He'll keep his focus to stay in Fleet With the help of his robot friends Robot Roll Call! Cambot! (IRC on!) Gypsy! (Jen French!) Tom Servo! (By your command...) Croooooooooow! (Bring me coffee!) If you're wondering how they like Star Trek and other fannish facts (la la la) Just remember that this is just a club Read your ComQ and relax For Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000! <1....2....3....4....5....6....7> Mike: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Deep Space Station of Love. I'm Mike D. Smith, and we're celebrating an important event! Bots: THE COMMUNIQUES ARE HERE!!! THE COMMUNIQUES ARE HERE!!! YEA!!! Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 30 seconds... Gypsy: Make the words come back! Make the words come back! Crow: Just think... an official Starfleet Communique... (sigh) Mike: Okay, people, just settle down, I'll be handing them out... Servo: All the latest official news on the Fleet, fit to print! Crow: Articles on Star Trek! Up close! Personal! Behind the scenes! Exclusive! Gypsy: I heard that there's an interview on Richard Basehart. Servo: Know what I heard? The centerfold is the famous Angelique Pettyjohn poster. Not just the one in her drill thrall uniform. The one which you have to ask Bill Rudow _specifically_ for in the Dealer's Room. Crow: What I don't understand is why it took so long to get them. Gypsy: Remember the adage: everything comes to he who waits. Mike: That was all explained in the latest Command Status Report. The Communiques were sent bulk mail at the height of the holiday season. Gypsy: Mike, how does bulk mail go out? Mike: Well, girl, first the Post Office sends out letters and packages, and then books, newspapers and magazines, then bills, supermarket fliers, goverment checks, and then those Radio Shack circulars with everything 50 percent off, then those "occupant" postcards with the missing child on one side and the carpet cleaner service on the other, then the sweepstakes notices with Ed McMahon on the front, then those free samples of air freshener and fabric softener, and if there's _any_ room left in the mail truck, the Communiques go out. Gypsy: I see... Mike: Unless there's no room, then they wait until the next day, when the letters and packages go out, and... Servo (interrupts): Wait a moment, Smith. The holidays were _last_ month, and we get our Communiques straight from the Umbilicus. Crow: Besides, when did _you_ get a CSR? Mike: Well... I heard that someone in California got one from the Listserv. Servo: You mean the same CSR that said, "Don't trust anything you read electronicly as official"? Crow: The same CSR that said you were still the Fleet Admiral's Representative to the On-Line Community? Mike: But _someone_ read it, so it _must_ be true. Crow: If someone sends a message on the Listserv that they have a CSR, has it _really_ been received? Gypsy (solemnly): Deep... Mike: Anyway, here we go... "Gypsy"! Gypsy (excited): Here! Here! Mike: "Robot, Crow T."! Crow: Lemme read! Lemme read! Mike: "Servo, Tom"! Servo: Just knock it off, Newman, and give me my mail! Servo: Oh, Shauna, I've dreamed of thi-- He--ey! My Communique doesn't have the centerfold sheets! Mike: Your Communique doesn't have the covers... or much of anything in between. Servo: Since when did Cliff Claven learn origami on the job? Gypsy (panicking): Richard Basehart! Where's the Richard Basehart interview?? Crow: October/November 1995? Wait a... Is it me, or did Headquarters revise the Gregorian calendar? Mike: I didn't read about the AB voting on it. Servo: The only story I can follow completely is "Your Fleet Dollars at Work". Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5, 4... commercial sign now. Gypsy (discouraged): No Richard Basehart. Mike: We'll be right back. Anna Nicole Smith (in negligee, reading from a laptop computer screen): "For those countries in the EU with a GNP growth of five percent and per capita distribution at or above last year's norm, export opportunities should continue to exceed projections based on Eurodollars for Fiscal Year 1993." What the f%$# did I say? Announcer (voiceover): America Off-Line. Welcome! Servo: "Interview with Geneieve Bujold: Going Where No Woman Has Gone Before." Crow: "Spoilers for 'Star Trek: The Final Frontier'". Servo: If this issue was any less current, it could insulate a power plant. Mike: Oh, come on fellows! Give them a break! I used to do a newsletter and I know how hard it is to keep production on schedule. Besides, what about this article on the Region 12 Conference? The Region 12 Bowl-a-thon? The Great Region 12 Faire? The Region 12 Sock Hop and Charity Taffy Pull? Servo: Ranger, half of the articles on Fleet are reprints from "UFP Today". Crow: Yeah, I would like to find out about life beyond the Midwest. Mike: Listen up, you guys. Lucien and Fagan are calling. Bots (foppishly): Rrrrrrrrrr... SF's D: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." Dr D (looks at camera): Ah, there you are, Mary Catherine. I'm sorry, but you've caught the Fleet Admiral in the midst of literary inspiration. Crow: He's reading another Stephen Ratliff 'Marissa' fanfic? Dr D: No, IQ-9. I mean he's in the middle of writing his memoirs. Crow: Same thing. Mike: Memoirs? What do you mean? SF's D (typing): "I was born in a house my father built..." Dr D: It's the latest trend to enhance your image, reputation, and checkbook. Compose a book with trite sayings and observations, sprinkle antedotes about your life and times, wrap it around the guise of an autobiography, and you have an instant New York Times best seller. SF's D (typing): "Never play 'Got Your Nose' with a Bajoran..." Dr D: Following in the promotional footsteps of Colin Powell, Bill Bradley, Pat Robinson, Ross Perot, and other luminaries of our times, it is possible to have all the trappings of a presidential campaign without actually running. And since it is much too early for our Fleet Admiral to divert his energies on something as self- serving as re-election... SF's D (looks up, holding book): I call it -- "Starfleet's Dan: PRIVATE Matters". Crow: Oh, the humanity! The imagery! Oh no! I can see... Bjo and Marian... with studded paddles! Help me, Spock!... Servo (struggles): Kathie Lee Gifford! Must think of Kathie Lee... think of... Cody... Cassidy.. no! Not Jennifer! Mike (furious): You evil fiends! Now look what you've done! SF's D (resumes typing): "The hallway smelt of boiled cabbage and old rag mats..." Dr D: Put a sock in it, Barnicle! We were going to call it "God's Other Son", but Imus got wind of that idea, thanks to that disgruntled so-- Bots (yelling): AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Crow: I feel like I died and came back as Kate Moss. Dr D (continuing): --tch, so we had to settle for the new title. SF's D (typing): "He would be there all night, and he woul be there when Jem waked up in the morning." (Looks up and cracks knuckles.) Finished! (Looks over to Dr Dave.) I still think it would have been easier to get Ron Goulart. Dr D (sotto voce): Just remember to save it to disk _before_ you shut off the machine, Mr Holland. (Looks to camera.) Oh, there is another benefit, Arthur Lerma. Thanks to recent court rulings and the new telecommunications law, once the memoirs are published, our version of recent events within Fleet would be the only one permitted to be circulated. For a price. SF's D: That way, I don't have to worry about Lisa Bumblebee trying to play Fleet Stenographer at IC meetings. Mike: Berkenbilt. SF's D: Whatever. Dr D: It would be a criminal violation to send anything contrary pertaining to the current Administration over the Internet. SF's D: Unless you get expressed our written permission first, of course. Dr D: Which will happen for you miserable Maquis on the Listserv at the same time Melissa Etheridge becomes engaged to Michael Jackson. Servo: Sounds like a vain attempt to rewrite history. SF's D: There is no need to rewrite history. Just own the worldwide distribution rights. Dr D: Anyways, I'm sending up a special excerpt for your painful pleasure. Send it up, Dan. SF's D (reading computer screen): "I was born in the wagon of a travelling show. My momma used to dance for the money they throw..." Dr D: WHAT?!? SF's D (frustrated): I saved it... but the file fragmented everywhere! Dr D: I _told_ you not to upgrade to Windows 95! SF's D (types frantically in futility): Auuughhhh.... who died and made Bill Gates *me*? (Slams fist on keyboard. Macintosh 'chime' sounds. Mads are stunned.) All: Two! Four! Six! Eight! This is how they litigate! (Light flashes. Hubbub ensues.) All: AHHH! WE"VE GOT POSTING SIGN!!! <7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...> -> ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Crow: And completed for a first down! -> Date: Wed, 27 Dec 1995 20:29:35 -0500 Mike (singing): On the third day of Christmas, my Chief of Staff gave to me... Crow (singing): Three AB votes... Servo (singing): Two RC heads... All (singing): And a CSR dated for the IC... -> From: DTAMnet@aol.com Mike: Disco Tantalizes Audrey Meadows! Crow (Ralph Kramden voice): Alice! Are you doing the Valsalva again? Servo: Valsalva... the Forbidden Maneuver. -> To all members, Mike: Of my flock Bots (bleating): We hear and obey. -> Recently, I have received much mail Crow: From Ed McMahon and Publisher's Clearinghouse. Mike: Concerning the whereabouts of the latest Communique. Servo: Asking about the beauty secrets of Dionne Warwick. -> concering a PRIVATE letter Crow: Private Letter? I thought Starfleet used Naval Ranks. Servo: That explains no response from General Delivery. -> sent by me to CAPT Paul Reid, Mike: Scented with perfume and sealed with a kiss. -> International Affairs Director, Crow: And winner of last year's Tony Award. -> concerning questions about -> the recent Region 15 RC appointment. Servo: It was for last Wednesday, but I had a foursome I couldn't break. -> While I appreciate the obvious passion Mike: Oh no! It's a Judith Krantz novel! -> Starfleet members have for this Servo: Drivel. Crow: Spin. Mike: Fruit. -> organization, and have read with some anguish and laughter -> many of the harsh messages Mike: No, it's worse! He's doing "Exit to Eden"! -> I have received, this does not change Crow: My Pampers. -> in ANY way the fact that Servo: Four out of five dentists recommend Trident Sugarless. Mike: The Beastie Boys were a one-hit wonder. Crow: Maggie Simpson shot Mr Burns. -> this letter was a PRIVATE one Mike: With one's privates. Bots: MIKE! EWWWWWW! -> between two individuals Servo: And any small furry creatures. -> and NOT meant for any PUBLIC posting in any way. Crow: "Pay no attention to the post behind the curtain!" -> Permission was NOT granted Mike: Well, I got permission from Paramount. Servo: Well, I got permission from Major League Baseball. Crow: Well, I got permission from Epstein's Mother. -> for it to be so posted on the listserv. Mike: But it was the _listserv_. Crow: So it never happened. -> It was the opinion of one member of this organization to another, Servo: Opinions expressed by one member do not reflect any other member unless the member was dismembered. -> and not an official statement in any form. Mike: Otherwise, the statement would have included the word, "disgruntled". Bots (scream): AAAAAAHHHH!!! -> I am not the Fleet Admiral. Servo: I..am...a... human...being! I... am... a... fan! Crow: You are Number 6. Mike: Who is Number One? Crow: That's PRIVATE One to you. -> I do not appoint the RC's. Servo: I anoint them. -> I have had no influence in this matter Crow: Otherwise, he'd be charged with "operating under the influence". -> concerning the appointment of the new R15 RC and Mike: The acting career of Pauly Shore. -> have never corresponded with Howard Cronson or Alan Ravitch, -> or Scott Stone Servo: Or Sharon Stone. Crow: Or Sylvester Stallone. Mike: Or Don Corlone. -> for that matter, on the subject. -> -> There will be no further comment on this subject. Crow: There will be further comment on that predicate. -> Further messages so forwarded will be deleted without being read. Mike: For that matter, _any_ message will be deleted without being read. -> This was a PRIVATE message Servo: So, we have to endure this CORPORAL punishment. Crow: _What_ kind of message? I forget. -> between myself and a member of my senior staff Mike: Nothing comes between us. Servo: Except our Calvins. Crow: And our Hobbes. -> and will receive no further bandwidth. Crow: How about bandlength? Servo: How about bandarea? Mike: Or how about bigbandwidth? -> COMM David A. Miller, M.D. Crow: Mildly Deranged. Servo: If he's a Commodore, does he get to wear those neat little "C" logos on his lapel? -> Chief of Staff, Starfleet Servo: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Mike: Point of Rocks, Maryland. Crow: Croton-on-Hudson, New York. Servo: Stratford-on-Avon, England. Mike: Poached Eggs on Toast, Buttered. Crow: Shaken not Stirred, Martini Servo: This is getting too silly. Let's go. <1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7> Servo: Huh huh huh huh... he said "PRIVATE"... huh huh huh huh... Crow: Heh heh heh heh... yeah.... heh heh heh heh...that was cool.... Mike: Oh no! Something's gone wrong! The experiment has sealed their positronic pathways shut! Servo: Huh huh huh huh... Dr Dave is like Todd, only much cooler... huh huh huh... Crow: Heh heh heh heh... (Air guitar.) DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH... Servo: I know... huh huh huh huh... let's call up the Stanleys... and tell them what a bunch of wusses they are.... Crow: Heh heh heh heh... yeah... then we'll get Harry after them... Mike: Cambot! Quick! Feed in the Sashi Notes! Servo: Huh huh huh.. FBI kick'em in the 'nads... (Starts to thrash about.) uhh uhhh...At the end of Sunday's open AB meeting, one CO was openly threatened by the Fleet Admiral.... Mike: It's working! More! More! Crow: Heh heh... drive through.... (Twirls in place.) hah.. hah... ...told that if he did not stop his act, that he "would be taken care of". Mike: You've got it! We're almost there! Servo: The Fleet Admiral is Father... the Fleet Admiral is...is not a leader who is promoting warm fuzzies in an organization.... Crow: ...That is a leader who is trying to destroy his opposition by firing people around him... Servo:...As he said in an AB meeting, the opposition is like a cancer and it must be removed! Mike (cheers): They're back! Yesssssss! Servo (Southern twang): Say YEA-AH! and HA-LEAH-LU-LAH! Crow: The demons have been expelled! Mike: Whew! You guys had me worried. Crow: What the _hell_ happened there, Smith? Mike: The experiment...that, and the Communiques must have overloaded your circuits and brainwashed you into being mindless zombies. Crow: Wow... marching aimlessly across regions... Servo: ...feasting on the flesh of outspoken opponents... Bots (Homer Simpson voice): Mmmmm.... Sashimi German.... Crow: If it wasn't so horrible, it would have been neat. Servo: Y'know, for a brief... awful... moment, I was starting to have sympathy for the Mads. Even respect. Mike: There's a lesson in all this. Starfleet's Dan and Dr Dave are not role models. They're not even human. They're cartoons. Some of the things they do would cause a person to get hurt, expelled, arrested, and possibly deported. Crow: To put it another way....don't try this at home? Mike: That's right, Crow. Mike: What do you think, Sirs? SF's D: ... and in conclusion, I'd like to thank the Pulitzer Selection Committee for this award of excellence for my magnum opus, "PRIVATE Matters"... SF's D:... a heartfelt and uplifting piece of literature destined to inspire countless generations of Trekkers everywhere... SF's D: ...while rightfully ascending to its proper place among the classics... SF's D: ... "Huckleberry Finn", "Paradise Lost", and Sidney Sheldon's "Windmills of the Gods"". SF's D: It's not easy to make the tough decisions. SF's D: It's not easy to carry out those decisions in the wake of disgruntled opposition. SF's D: But as the poet once wrote: "Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down..." SF's D: "...kick 'em where they sit, kick 'em all around." SF's D: And so, it's on to Chicago, and let's win... SF's D: Ah, that must be my first royalty check! Dr D: I'll get it, my Malfeasance. SF's D: Well, open it up. Dr D: Hold on. (Sniffs envelope.) It's clean. SF's D: "Starfleet's Dan, in care of Deep 13... yadda yadda... Dear Mr Dan: Thank you for your interest in Pocket Books. Your novel was forwarded to my department for consideration." Dr D: 'Novel'?? SF's D: Maybe they mean that my life story is novel. (Continues.) "We regret to inform you that your manuscript has been rejected for publication." Dr D (angrily): Wait a minute. There must be a mistake... (yanks letter from SF's Dan and continues.) "However, I am happy to announce that our slushpile editor will be incorporating it into her writing workshops as an example of... (pause) how _not_ to write a novel." SF's D (ponders): Maybe if I had added more Douglas Copeland... Dr D (continues, more somberly): In gratitude, we are remitting the sum of six dollars and ninety-eight cents for perpetual distribution rights,...since no other publishing house will come near it without a Level 5 biohazard suit." SF's D (upbeat): Oh, look! "PS -- We loved the part about the FBI, Starfleet's, so we are sending a signed promotional picture of Gillian Anderson, since you appear to be a fan of the X-Files. Enjoy!" Dr D (crumples up letter): Look here, Bob Roberts, from now on, I don't want to even see you with a box of crayons. I'll do all the thinking for the both of us! (Looks to camera.) And as for you, you disgruntled... SF's D (screams): AAAAAAAHHHHH! SF's D: Ahhh... I mean, we can always try submitting to Reader's Digest for "Humor in Uniform". Dr D: (sarcastically): Malefeasence, my large intestine! Push the button, Dan. SF's D (weakly): Hints by Heloise? Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 Created by Joel Hodgson Eric Stillwell Produced by Jim Mallon Rick Berman Mike Piller Written by Dave Miller (Head Writer) Sashi German Tom Restivo Starring Mike D. Smith: Mike J. Nelson Crow T. Robot: Trace Beaulieu Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Jim Mallon Cambot: Himself With -- Dr Dave: Trace Beaulieu Starfleet's Dan: Frank Conniff Additional Original Music Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson Special Thanks go to The Teachers Across America Authors of the 1st Amendment All MSTies and Trekkers from Coast to Coast Creators of ARPANET Gene Roddenberry Typed in Shadowrama Keep circulating the listserv * * * -> I am not the Fleet Admiral. * * * Voiceover: This has been a presentation of Comedy Central and STARFLEET: The International Star Trek Fan Association! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Starfleet Theatre 3000 is based on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for satirical purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. For more MSFT3K postings: http://www.fred.net/tomr.